"Mom, I'm Going to be a Father."

Part 1: Shock and surprise

When I look around my living room I notice that we have not *caught up* with what has happened in our lives in the last five months. This room is full of pictures of my children. And the most recently placed framed photographs are of my now 19-year-old son at his graduation from Navy boot camp. He graduated on October 13, 2000. The pictures show him literally beaming; proud of his accomplishment, and eager to be a real sailor.

On December 10, 2000 he was told by his girlfriend, on the phone, that she was carrying their child, and she wasn't sure when the baby was due. On December 15, he arrived home for a Christmas leave. On December 16, with his older sister in tow for support, he came to tell me his news. After the usual homecoming hugs and then some small talk, he nervously said, "Mom, I have something I need to tell you." I realized this was serious, and stopped in my tracks and responded, "Okay..." He then said, "Mom, I'm going to be a father."

I was shocked of course; at the time my son was only 18 years old. While he had taken a huge step towards adult life by fulfilling a dream to be a sailor, and surviving boot camp, for all practical purposes I did not *see* him as father material...at least not *now*. But, when he uttered those words, I did not detect one bit of hesitancy in his willingness to accept this new role. Which was every bit as surprising to me as the news was shocking.

Not that he was ever a *bad* kid; he quite simply wasn't. But, he was a kid. He wasn't irresponsible, but I didn't have the impression that he wanted any more responsibility than was absolutely necessary. He was a typical almost 19 year old. But, he said he was going to be a father, and the *way* he said it didn't give hint to much in the way of a desire to be rid of this new role.

I won't spend too much time telling of what the next six weeks were like. They were horrible. My son's girlfriend said she wanted to place their child for adoption; he decided he didn't. Their respective families supported their decisions.

Part 2: Dismantling the Myths

The pregnancy help center/adoption agency did not try to understand our son's desire and willingness to parent, and to parent responsibly. It was a nightmare. But, he was strong in his conviction, and when he ended up in front of a judge concerning the matter, he stated, "I have decided not to relinquish my parental rights AND to accept my parental responsibilities." His attorney said, "You would have been very proud of him."

I'm sure I would have been. Because I am proud of him now. The same way his desire to parent was run over by everyone but his family members, he has run over the myths that are believed about young, unprepared fathers. And he started the systematic dismantling of those myths the moment he went to pick his son up from foster care.

His entire family gathered to celebrate his son's "homecoming". But what we ended up celebrating was how a young man rose to an occasion. He was awkward, and self conscious, but he was quietly proud and relieved to be caring for his son while they were "on display" for the entire family. Changing his diaper for perhaps only the second time, feeding him, burping him. A young man who, a few short months earlier, wouldn't pick his dirty clothes up from the floor of his bathroom with any regularity, was caring for a newborn infant in front of his mother, father, step-parents, three siblings, grandmother, grandfather, assorted aunts and uncles, cousins, dogs, neighbors... a roomful of people, perfectly quiet and watching this amazing situation unfold.

And the story has continued to unfold, as he has continued on in his new role as a father. We have seen him lose the initial awkwardness and embarrassment of fathering in front of people who weren't *ready* to see him that way. We have witnessed him telling his friends that "...no, I'm not leaving him with my parents; you all come over here, we can hang out with him..." The determination to *finally* get his drivers license (something he never did because he just didn't need to) because, after all, he is a father now! We watched him drive off, a few hours after he got the license, with his son in tow, to take the appropriate paperwork to our state's Vital Statistics Office to officially add his name to his son's birth certificate and change his last name.

I've watched him kiss his son's little head. Place his finger in his son's hand. Hold a toy over him as he changed his diaper. Rub his little belly as they sat quietly. Hold him close as they napped together. Carry him to answer the phone rather than handing him off to others. Never let anyone else feed him or change him or rock him to sleep if he is around. Carry around a diaper bag that is baby blue with little lambs on it, and not think a thing about it. Tell his parents how *things* will be done. Send mommy all of his pay but $25.00 a week. Pack him up on Sunday to "go calling" on family and close family friends. Call home and ask us to arrange for flowers to be sent to the mother of his son on Mother's Day.

My son won't be with his son on Father's Day. He is in the Navy, and we are unable to reach him by phone, so unless he calls home, there will be no "Happy Father's Day" sentiments expressed to him. Because he is at a temporary location, we can't even send a card. Emotionally it is very hard for him to be gone so much; I believe he worries that he didn't do the right thing. When he struggled with the adoption decision he said that no matter what he did, it wasn't going to be good and right.

I strongly disagree. I have witnessed a young man make a courageous decision, and then proceed with living that decision so that no one who knows him could ever say it was wrong. Happy Father's Day, Son. Yes, you are a father... a father any little boy would be happy to call "Daddy".