*(and any other kind of "I" meetings!)

The words, "IEP meeting," can strike fear in the hearts of parents and educators alike. Anger, apprehension, dread, and a variety of other emotions may rise to the surface in anticipation of the meeting in which an Individual Education Program (IEP) is written for a student who receives special education services. But we can change this! And many of the following tips can be used at any type of "I" meeting: IPP, IHP, IPO, IHP, IWRP, INS, ISP, etc. (If you don't know what all these mean, that's OK-I made some of them up!)

Have "pre-IEP" meetings. Schedule individual meetings with members of the team prior to the official meeting. Share your thoughts and ideas, brainstorm, and get a feel for the other person's position. Many details can be ironed out during these "private" one-on-one meetings.

Start with a clean slate. If previous meetings have been contentious, don't bring grudges to the next meeting. Stay out of the muck; it gets everyone dirty.

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be proactive, not reactive! Anticipate issues and problems and be prepared with a number of solutions. If you don't, the solutions others propose might be worse than the original problem. And don't "take the bait" or react to others' emotional outbursts; this will take you off course. Stay focused.

Think win/win, not win/lose! Use strategies that allow everyone to feel they've "won." Compromise whenever possible. Instead of rigidly holding tight to what you "will [will not] accept," adopt the consensus way of thinking: "I can [cannot] live with that." Be willing to accept a solution even if it's not perfect, if it's something you "can live with."

Remember, the IEP isn't written in stone. If things aren't going the way you think they should, don't get stuck fighting over one or two issues. Compromise and move on to the next issue, then call for another meeting in a month to renegotiate the unresolved issues.
See yourself as a negotiator. Don't ask questions that can be answered yes or no. Instead, ask: "What would it take to . . ." The response will include information which will keep the discussion moving forward: "Well, it would take $1,000 to get your child a computer." You follow with, "I see. So, what would it take to find the $1,000?" Continue in this fashion and new information will be revealed.

"Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy."
-Sir Isaac Newton

Leave your ego at home! When the going gets rough and emotions are high, don't take things personally. Hold your head high, maintain your composure, and focus on what's really important: the education (and future) of a child. It's not about power and control, winning/losing, who's right or who's wrong!

Let your child lead the meeting! Not only should your child attend the meeting, but he should lead it to the best of his ability. A younger child may not have the patience to attend the entire meeting, so let her attend at least the beginning of the meeting to set the tone. The course of the meeting will radically change for the better when the child is present. Everyone must speak to the child, not about her. Remember whose meeting this really is!
Begin the meeting with hopes and dreams. You and your child can lay out the big picture by sharing your dreams: "I want to be an artist when I grow up," and/or "Our dream for Julia is that she'll go to college, find a great job, get married, and make us grandparents." Send a powerful message of high expectations.

Change the atmosphere to change the outcome. Take an active role in planning the meeting and be creative! Have it in the classroom, the cafeteria, the library, your home, or other neutral territory, instead of the "official" meeting room. Don't sit at a table; it's an artificial barrier you don't need. Pull chairs into a circle and get up close and personal! Meet outside, sit on the grass, and be infused with fresh air and fresh thoughts!

Be festive and have refreshments! Food is the great equalizer. Who can be tense when yummy food and drink comfort the senses?

Use your tape recorder to play music! If you were on the receiving end of being recorded, you probably wouldn't react too positively. So don't use your tape recorder to tape others, use it to play some soft background music to put everyone at ease.

Break the tension! If frustrations and disagreements begin to escalate, be creative in breaking the tension. Lead everyone in a group hug or thirty seconds of deep breathing.

IEP and other planning meetings don't have to be awful ordeals! They can and should be positive, thoughtful exchanges which result in an appropriate, meaningful plan for success. Make your next meeting the kind everyone will remember with happy thoughts. The goodwill generated may influence the meetings of others! If your child's IEP for the new school year has already been written and you're not satisfied, call another meeting to renegotiate and use these tips.

Keep these two thoughts uppermost in your mind: (1) if you can't change something, change how you feel about it, and (2) to effect change in others, change yourself, first. And remember, attitude is everything!

© © 2001-2002 Kathie Snow, "Revolutionary Common Sense" newsletter,
August-September 2001 Volume 1, Number 2