Nine-Year-Old's Wardroobe
Question:
Our nine-year-old daughter is crazy about Britney Spears and wants to wear tight pants, bare-midriff tops and even makeup in an effort to look like her. When we set limits, she whines that all the other parents let their daughters dress that way and that we're being old-fashioned. Are we being too stuffy, and will we just make her want to rebel?
Answer:
Your instincts are absolutely right. A nine-year-old girl stands nothing to gain by wearing makeup and provocative clothes, no matter how many other girls are doing so. Your job as a parent is not to make your daughter happy all the time, but to teach her values and guide her to develop self-respect.
Regardless of how vehemently your daughter complains, you need to define your limits clearly. For example, you may think it's fine if she listens to Britney's music, but not OK to wear the sexy clothes. Although it is tempting to respond with outrage when kids demand to do something inappropriate ("I can't believe you'd even think about dressing like that!"), that often only fuels a child's anger. A message usually gets through more strongly if you remain calm and unwavering: "It's my job to make sure you grow up with good values. I know you're not happy about it right now, but dressing like that is not acceptable." Period!
No doubt this is just one of many similar situations you will encounter in the next few years. How you handle these situations now will determine to a large extent how you and your daughter negotiate even larger issues in the future. Right now your daughter is at an age where you have more control than you will later, when she can earn her own money and venture further from home on her own. Right now she is learning important lessons every day about your values and the reasons that underlie them. She also is learning how firmly you stick to those values even when she tries to wear you down with whining. And she is learning whether or not the age-old "all the other kids ..." line will break down your resistance.
One of the best ways to head off the "everybody's doing it" strategy is to get together with other parents and talk about how you are dealing with these issues. When a community of parents can agree on some common rules and guidelines--and support each other in enforcing them--kids often are relieved that they do not have to stand up to peer pressure alone. And, bottom line, they feel secure in the knowledge that adults are looking out for their best interests--whether or not they always agree with the limits being set.
One last idea: Think about how you can introduce your daughter and her friends to other role models beyond Britney and the other stars of MTV. Get together with other mothers and daughters to take in a women's sporting event, an art show or a play. Read together about women scientists, engineers, teachers, poets and devoted mothers. Your daughter and her friends are at a great age to begin to discover all the different ways that women today can shine.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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