When sixth graders begin middle school, suddenly it's not cool to have your parents hanging around the school. "Drop me at the corner," they plead. "Don't say "hi" to me if you see me in the halls," they warn. In what is a normal part of child development, 11- and 12- year-olds begin to pull away from their parents and value their independence -- particularly at the middle school level.

Unfortunately, the distance children try to put between themselves and their parents have a dampening effect on family involvement in schools. And although preteens and teens say they don't want their families at or involved in their schools, researchers and family involvement coordinators say that everyone benefits when families gently insist on remaining involved.

"Parents often give in to kids who say they don't want their parents around," says Allen Clark, family/community involvement coordinator at Anthony Middle School in Minneapolis. "But when parents do step up, their kids do better - academically and socially.

"Parents have an easier time understanding and building relationships at the elementary level, and grade schools are set up to nurture the children. Middle schools aren't as simple to understand, plus instead of a single teacher to communicate with, there are five to seven teachers. And the teachers have an average of 125 students. They can't make as many phone calls as they'd like."

Three real barriers to family involvement at school

Clark sees three primary barriers, besides student attitudes, to parent involvement at Anthony. First, only 35 percent of the students at Anthony come from the surrounding neighborhood. The rest are transported from other areas of the city, meaning that parents, who may not have access to cars, often have transportation and childcare issues. Another issue is lack of time.

In families where bother parents work or there is a single parent, with children going to different schools that may hold parent-teacher conferences and activities on the same days or nights, parents are stretched pretty thin. Sometimes they have to choose to attend on child's school function over another's. Usually, he says, they choose to visit the school where they feel they need the most communication with the teachers. Often, they choose to connect with an elementary school, because kids at that age are building basic skills in reading and math.

All teachers and school staff need to understand the family challenges that get in the way of being involved in their children's schools, according to Clark. "Too often we have an attitude toward parents who don't come to conferences," says Clark. "I've learned not to make assumptions and to be less judgmental of families who aren't obviously involved. If they don't show up at school that doesn't mean they donÌt care about their children's education.

"We need to work at building relationships with families, so parents fell comfortable and confident when they contact their child's school. And if parents can take time to be involved in classrooms, we should welcome them."

Student behavior improves when parents are around, according to Clark. "When I was young, if you messed up, you knew there would be a pair of eyes on you, and someone would tell your parents," he said. "Things have changed so much. Teachers today are asked to be moms, dads and social workers. In addition, having parents in the classrooms is a good way for word to spread that schools are not a bad place to be."

Anthony is working hard toward better communication with parents. The school has three regular newsletters, a student assignment planner that must be signed weekly by parents to ensure homework is completed, and plans to install phones in every classroom and to develop a school Web site to publicize school activities and programs.

Clark kicked off this school year with a program to engage "Sixth Grade as Partners." Every Thursday in November was devoted to school staff getting to know the concerns of sixth-grade parents. The day started with coffee and pastries and a chance for parents to share with school staff and parent peers their concerns about their students' transition to middle school.

Then parents were invited to tour the school and spend time observing and helping in the classrooms. They were also invited to have a complimentary school lunch and to stay after school for he tutoring program. Evening meetings were also available to parents who couldn't make it to school during the day.

Less than a dozen parents took advantage of the morning meetings, but based on their discussions, Clark has fanned the enthusiasm of a core group who are likely to remain active during their children's three-year tenure at Anthony Middle School. That could add up to hundreds id not thousands of hours of school support. And more importantly, students at Anthony will get the benefit of a tem of parents who are committed to improving educational opportunities at their school.

© Copyright 2002, © University of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium.