The Real Me

On September 5, 1989, I gave my son up for adoption. He now lives in Louisville, KY and I, in Carson City, NV. It was a beautiful open adoption case. I was actually 7 months pregnant when I went through a lawyer to find an adoptive family. I went through many case files before locating the perfect "Christian" family to adopt my son. I am now 30 years old and ready to give birth to "my" first child. This pregnancy has brought on so many wild and intense emotions that I really don't know where to begin.

I suffered three miscarriages, one of which required surgery, before being able to successfully conceive the child that I am now carrying. I was diagnosed with a gestational form of Systemic Lupus, called Lupus Anticoagulant. Apparently, it was something I was born with. I was informed that my previous successful pregnancy, 13 years ago, was "a miracle". That pregnancy required no additional medical care. I broke down into tears when I heard that. I kept thinking to myself that I would never be able to get pregnant again and the one chance I had, I gave him up. Well, I was wrong.

In order for me to successfully conceive and carry full term, I had to learn to give myself heparin shots twice a day in my stomach, as well as a progesterone shot twice a day. I thought, "how much scarier could this get?" Well, here I am ready to deliver by C-section in exactly 4 weeks, and I thank God every day for my miracle baby # 2.

I really don't know why I am writing. I think I just needed to talk to someone. After giving my son up for adoption, I had no one to talk to. I was 17, and all alone. I have recently, once again, become friends with my birth son's father and that has helped to heal some of the wounds as well as close doors to my heart that have been left wide open all this time. I went through a horrific 7 year depression. I found myself at the bottom of every bottle, whether it be alcohol or drugs. I found myself pushing away family members who were trying so hard to help me.

Well, I'm a fighter, and I survived the worst. I also survived what I chose to throw at myself - depression and disparity. I figured if I was to ever meet my birth son, that this is not the person I wanted to introduce to him. I wanted him to meet the real me, the strong me, the secure me. I didn't think that my current pregnancy would cause such a resurgence of past emotions, but I am glad it did. I have come along way since then. I am now married and have been for the past two years. I have a beautiful 8 year-old step-daughter. We had our first house built just prior to getting married, and I am currently an Engineering Technician for the State of Nevada.

At the age of 30, I can say I have experienced the best and the worst that life has to offer, and I still came out on top, but that doesn't mean I don't miss my birth son every day of my life. The last picture I have of him, he was 9 months old. I would give anything to be able to see what he looks like, who he looks like, and so on.

If there is anyone out there who has gone through what I have experienced, I would love to hear from you. It's nice to know that you're not alone...!!!!

There is no better time than now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination!!!!