What Do Parents Need to Know When Adopting a Child Who Has Experienced Sexual Abuse?

Parents who adopt children who have experienced sexual abuse need the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules and the patience of Mother Theresa. If you fall short in any of these areas, do not despair. You are in good company. Perhaps, more important is your desire to help a young person grow into a healthy, trusting adult. This is a privilege and one which brings real satisfaction to those who have adopted.

What Do Parents Need to be Aware of About Themselves?

It is very important for you as prospective adoptive parents to be honest with yourselves and with your adoption worker about a number of things:

Is there a history of sexual abuse in either the mother or father's past? If there is, how were those experiences resolved? Did you decide to "just forget about it" and chalk it up as one of those things that just happened? Or did you get help, from your parents, a teacher, a minister, a therapist or someone who could help you work through your feelings about having been abused? Parents with unresolved abuse experiences in their history may be at greater risk for either abusing the child again, or for keeping too much physical and emotional distance, for fear of abusing the child. Parent/Survivors in local support groups regularly address these phenomena.

How comfortable are you as prospective parents, with your own sexuality and with your sexual relationship(s)? Can you talk comfortably about sex? Do you give yourselves permission to acknowledge your own sexual feelings, thoughts, fantasies and fears? Do you have a well-established relationship which allows for direct and open communication? A child who has been sexually abused may need to talk about what happened to him or her. The child's behavior may be seductive or blatantly sexual at times. A parent must be able to deal with this.

In addition, there are some other issues that are important for adoptive parents to consider. They are:

A willingness to "be different," or experience embarrassing situations, at least for a while. Children who have been sexually abused may behave toward their adoptive parents in ways which are different than non-abused children. For example, Lisa, age 8, began shouting loudly, in public places like the supermarket, that her father had abused her. In fact, it was her biological father and not her adoptive father who had abused her, but the strangers in the supermarket obviously did not make the distinction.

An ability to wait for the child's commitment while not putting off making your own. An abused child is often untrusting and tied to the past. A child may repeatedly test your commitment to him or her. She or he may feel that if you really and truly saw her or him as they are, with all the scars, that you would not really want him or her.

Many parents have the hope that their love will immediately ease the mistrust their child has of the world and all its adults. What one adoptive parent learned was "love has a different meaning for my daughter. To her, it's simply a deal: You do this for me and I'll do that for you. What a shock to discover that love is not enough." A true, trusting love based on more than just bargaining can come to pass with a sexually abused child, but it will take time, consistency and patience.

A sense of humor. As with most situations in life, a good hearty laugh helps.

© Rosemary Narimanian and Julie Marks

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)