It doesn't matter if you are birth parents, foster parents, or one of you is a stepparent: You must present a unified front to your children.

I once heard it said, 'Kids are born with a divide and conquer gene." I cannot remember the source of that great quote, unfortunately, but the message stuck with me. I have seen it in action time and again, and it is true.

Whatever you do concerning kids, be unified. Parents often have slightly different parenting styles or just plain disagree. This is OK, but before decisions are made concerning rules and consequences, you need to decide what the joint position on the issue will be. You cannot argue or discuss this in front of the kids. You cannot thrash this out at the time you are dealing with it. These things should be discussed beforehand, and a path of action decided upon.

There are going to be times when parents have different ideas about the right way to handle problems. This is natural and actually healthy, since one parent can balance the other parent's extremes in parenting. This is great, too, when one is overreacting to a situation. The key is to decide ahead of time on policies before they are needed.

If you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a situation that is not urgent, tell your kids that this requires discussion. You and your spouse should adjourn to a private place to hash it out. If this is an immediate crisis, someone should act. The other spouse needs to back this parent up even when they do not like the path they have chosen. Discuss the issues later in private, and decide what future actions you will take that you both agree upon.

Never, never, never make the other parent look bad in front of the child. Kids pick up on the distance between parents and immediately use that to reach their own goals. If parents are divided and kids see this, they will drive a wedge between parents and constantly separate the two of them. They do this in subtle and not so subtle ways.

Kids soon learn which parent is the lenient one and will target that one to ask permission to do something they know the other parent will object to and deny. They know that if they are in trouble, the "soft parent will be on their side or at least make it easier for them. The softer parent helps keep things fair and balanced, the stricter parent makes sure the consequence is tough enough and the teen does not get away with too much. Both are necessary.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel