Tough I got. Tough I can teach. Tough is what they need. These are basic beliefs of parents who have a child with attachment problems. But, if tough is all I have, then I'm in trouble. Yes, it's true that no-nonsense (tough) parenting with attachment disordered kids creates a feeling of safety for these children. They will not internalize a parent that they believe they can dominate or control. However, in our experience as therapeutic foster parents, we have come across far too many cases of attachment disordered children who have been parented in a way that causes great emotional, and sometimes physical, damage to the parents, not to mention on-going emotional problems for the child. To parent an attachment disordered child in a non-assertive, unclear way is actually abusive to the child (although unintentionally so on the part of well-meaning parents). And it's usually the people with good, compassionate hearts who adopt these difficult children. Can such parents make the stretch and learn to be tough without becoming dictators?

We think they can when they become and remain Positively Tough. We have all met parents who mean what they say, and say what they mean. Their children mind them without their having to become drill sergeants. But with attachment disordered children, such techniques may only lead to children dominating their parents as they engage in repetitive power struggles. These children are experts at making their parents appear to others as "meanies". Toughness doesn't mean being mean, controlling, or demanding. It simply means clearly stating what you expect from the child, and not becoming caught up in the power struggles and distraction tactics that these children are so good at.

Denise and I would like to list five things that have helped us to stay positively tough with the kids we have parented over the past 18 years. We came to this not necessarily from some sort of genius, but mostly from a lot of sitting hunched over with our heads in our hands, saying, "I am not like this; I am not a negative, mean person. Why has (any child's name) made me feel like this?" This list is not exhaustive, nor is it original, but it's a good place to start.

First, be able to monitor and interpret the tone of your house. By this we mean that you want to know whose biorhythms are controlling your home. If your child is angry all the time, and you're tagging along, he is in control of how the house feels. I know you've heard this a million times, but the number one rule of parenting is: Take Care

of Yourself First!!! And do everything you can to wrest control of the tone of the house away from the angry child. Be intentional about setting the ambience as one of positive self-control.

Second, reframe everything with a positive twist. Attachment disordered kids have a truly irritating characteristic: constant jabber, or a myriad of "dumb" questions or comments. In your responses, use either the neutral (Hmm, that's an interesting way of telling me you're angry), or the positive, affirming response (Thanks for telling me that you need to be close to me today; I'm so glad you're letting me know that you aren't safe around others today). As much as you can, always tell the child what you would be happy to do, not what you won't do (I'd be happy to take you to soccer practice when your room is clean to my satisfaction).

Third, there's nothing wrong with extending common courtesy to a child who's driving you up the wall. In the midst of your tough approach, don't forget how pleasant "please" and "thank you" can sound (and how they can change the emotional tone of your house). When I was in ROTC in college, I learned how to have command presence, but to be courteous at the same time. It's well worth the practice because you never have to yell at or get loud with your child.

Fourth (and Neil Feinberg taught us this one), give things to your children when you want to, regardless of whether they deserve it. Don't let their behavior control what you give them. I enjoy giving gifts; it makes me feel good, so I do it regardless of how my children are behaving. The child may destroy the gift as soon as she gets it, but it belongs to her then and you can commiserate with her about how hard it is to receive things when you feel you don't deserve them. If you wait for your attachment disordered child to earn or deserve anything, you may wait forever. And you don't need to wait for Christmas or birthdays either. I just give gifts out of the blue. It helps me feel good and positive as a parent.

Fifth, hug and laugh often. I know all-too-well the current climate about touch, but, in the appropriate circumstances, a well-placed hug sets a marvelously positive tone. There are times when it feels they don't deserve it, but I do it anyway because I feel like it, and it often catches them off-guard. Also, please don't forget the healing effects of laughter. We laugh often and loud at our house. If the kids choose to join in, then we have a great opportunity for healing to occur.

We know that being positive in the face of living with an attachment disordered child isn't easy. If we hadn't turned the corner of realizing that it could be done positively, we'd be bitter and exhausted. Remember, there's something infections about a positive attitude!!

© The Attachment Center at Evergreen

Credits: Gary Flanders