Preparing for Arrival of Your Child/ren

Infants, Children, Teens, and Sibling Groups

Adoption is not just about babies. Children of all ages are adoptable and being adopted. Older child and teen adoption has been on the increase for years, so people prepare for the arrival of children at all different ages, and in the case of sibling group adoptions, they prepare for the arrival of children of various ages. This article looks at some common concerns.

Preparing for the arrival of a newly adopted infant, child, teen or adult via adoption is as exciting as it is stressful, and happy as it is hectic. The key to a smooth process of adjustment is utilizing the support systems, both online and offline, that exist to help all parents through this unforgettable time.

Don't forget to take a few photographs and record your thoughts in the child's lifebook, baby book, or in your personal journal. Someday, you will want to look back on this unique experience, and re-live all of its positive aspects.

Table of Contents

· Safety
Whether you're adopting an infant, toddler, school-age child, or teen, taking safety measures in your home is an important part of preparing.

· Pre-Placement Visits
The number of pre-placement visits will depend on several factors, and these suggestions will help the visits go smoothly and establish your initial interactions with your child.

· Medical Needs
It is important to be as fully aware of your child's medical needs before placement.

· Daily Routine Needs
Eating, sleeping, and clothing are some of your child's daily needs, and working with a previous routine or establishing your own will be a concern.

· Bonding & Attachment
These are not the same, and the development of one and not the other may be of concern.

· Concerns Specific to International tnd Transracial Adoption
The differences for parents adopting internationally and/or across racial lines from those adopting same-race children domestically can be slight or extreme.

· Maintaining Contact With The Foster Family And Others
An adopted child's past cannot be ignored and continued contact with former foster families, biological family members, and/or others may be important to your child's adjustment, growth, and development.

Safety

Babies to Age 2

For babies up to age 2, safety measures appear more obvious than they do for older children, but thinking about safety is equally important for all age groups. Begin by:

Plugging electrical outlets with caps;
Installing smoke and carbon dioxide detectors;
Buying enough fire extinguishers for the size of your home;
Installing cabinet locks;
Placing sharp objects, poisons, cleaners and medicines out of reach;
Checking recall and safety web sites to see if any baby furniture has been recalled;
Placing emergency telephone numbers by the phone.
Your social worker will also make suggestions and often will give you a checklist for further safety preparation.

Age 2 to 7

Building on the above list, you will need to take some additional steps for children ages 2 to 7 years:

In each room where the child will have access, kneel down in the center of that room and turn slowly in a circle. You now have a child's eye view. Remove anything that could be dangerous in the hands of a curious child. It only takes a moment for a child to get into mischief. For example, electric paper shredders should not only be unplugged, they should be stored away until needed.
There is no such thing as a safe hiding place for a gun. If you must keep a gun or rifle, invest in a locking steel gun cabinet and hide the unmarked key or combination well. A locking glass-fronted gun cabinet is not safe. Glass can break. Every year, children die in gun accidents in homes where the parents were sure the gun was well hidden.
Make sure the fence around the pool is high enough and the gate locks.
Books, breakables, and knick-knacks on lower shelves may need to be moved temporarily to other locations as two year olds love to empty shelves and cabinets (make sure your bookcases do not become "top heavy" as a result or they can topple over).
Move make-up, medicines and razors out of any bathroom to which the child will have access. Place a safety mat into the tub and a padded cover over the protruding water spigot. Bathroom and tub accidents are a leading cause of injury for young children.

Over 7 - including teens

Building on the above list yet again, consider the following when preparing for the arrival of all children over the age of 7, including teens:

Go over every square foot of your home and yards with your new child and explain the rules. For example, if tree-climbing is allowed, show the child exactly which trees, how high he or she is allowed to climb and under what circumstances, such as, under adult supervision only. Children feel more secure when they know the rules and the limitations right away.
Password-protect your computer and place guardian software on the computer to which the child will have access. (Never place computers and telephones in the child's bedroom. These items are safer and less isolating when they are used out in the open in the family room or kitchen.)
Get rid of all alcohol or store it and prescription medications in the master bedroom under lock and key. If the child has a history of drug abuse or experimentation, lock up all medications and aerosol cans, including cans of spray paint that may be stored in the garage (to prevent "huffing").
Use deadbolt locks for rooms or cabinets to which you want to restrict access. Ordinary doorknob locks can be easily picked.
Talk to the child's foster family at length and often about how you can make your home safer. No one is more of an expert on your child than the family your child lived with most recently.

Pre-Placement Visits

With older children over the age of 3 or 4 years, one or more visits may be required before the child moves in. No one can predict how many will be needed because it depends on how well the child is adjusting to the impending placement. Make sure you are well prepared for each visit in terms of safety and accommodations. Visits should be fun but realistic, too. Make sure you:

Post a list of 5 to 10 basic rules and consequences so the child knows what to expect. "What are you going to do to me if I break the rules?" is frequently the first thing a child wants to know. Example: 1) Always keep your hands to yourself. Consequence for hitting: the time-out chair.

Incorporate a few of the child's personal customs, habits and traditions. This shows that you have respect for his or her past. For example, if he is used to eating black-eyed peas on Thanksgiving Day, add this to the family menu permanently. If she enjoys a story at bedtime, work this into your routine.

Stock up on food that includes items the child likes but is primarily what the family normally eats.

Require chores from the outset so that the child feels like a member of the family instead of a guest (even a 4 year old can set spoons and paper plates around the table and pick up toys at bedtime).

Involve your child in the decoration of his or her new room. For example, ask the child to help you choose posters, the bedspread, or a throw rug.

Stick to a typical routine as much as possible to show the child what family life is really like.

School, church, and community transitions are easier when the child visits these places during a home visit. Ask yourself what you would like to know when moving to a new home, family, and town, and then offer this information to the child.

Stay in contact between visits via telephone, mail and email.

Give the child or teen a small gift at the end of the first visit to be used as a soother until the next visit. One mother gave her son a little teddy bear and said, "When you miss us, just hug this teddy bear, and before you know it, we'll all be together again."

Medical Needs

Before the first visit in your home, your child's social worker and foster family will familiarize you with all of the child's medical needs, how to give medication, how to use medical equipment, and who to call in case of a medical emergency. If this information is not offered, ask for it.

In situations where the social worker is new to the case and especially if the child has been in the current foster home for less than 12 months, you may not receive all of the medical information you need. It is a good idea to ask for an opportunity to review the child's entire "case file," usually done in the social worker's office. Take notes on anything you may wish to ask your family doctor or the child's current doctor about.

You may discover medical needs documented in this file that are not currently being met, like a need for a hearing aid, or for eyeglasses, or for allergy medication.

The comprehensive psychological evaluation will document current medical needs. However, it is wise to take the child to your family doctor shortly after the adoption so that the two can meet, at least. This is also a good time to arrange for the transfer of medical records to the new doctor.

Daily Routine Needs

Fortunately, there are many book titles available that detail the basic daily needs of children of all ages. Here are just a few things to keep in mind:

Food

Two year olds are notorious for picky eating. Try not to worry. Buy a good child care guide, provide a variety of nutritious foods and then let your pediatrician reassure you that your child is not starving.
Pre-schoolers should be exposed to many different foods, but forcing a child to eat is not a good idea, according to experts. Encourage them to take just one bite and "try it." Ask your kids to help you choose and prepare foods.
Children and teens who have suffered neglect may hoard food or shows signs of an eating disorder (eating too much, too little, or too quickly). These disorders are difficult to treat and will probably require the help of a professional, such as a therapist. Try to find one who has experience with older adopted children.

Bathroom

You will know in advance from the foster family or previous caregiver if your child requires help with toileting and bathing, and how much help to offer.
When showing your child your bathroom for the first time, ask him or her if there are any questions.
You may need to think ahead if older sons and daughters need toileting help in public places. If any parent is unsure what to do with a child of the opposite gender, it is okay to err on the side of caution. Don't leave your son or daughter's care to strangers. Take the child into the bathroom of your gender and don't worry about the stares of others.

Clothing

Studies show that our tastes in clothing, shoes and jewelry have a strong genetic component. Your child's tastes may seem strange to you but think twice before trying to change them. This falls under the category of "choosing your battles wisely." One good rule of thumb is "If it's clean, decent, safe, belongs to you, and doesn't violate the school dress code, you can wear it."
Teens use clothing to stick out and to fit in, depending on their mood. Try to be flexible but define your boundaries with safety and stick to them. There are many best-selling books to help you with this issue.

Sleeping Habits

Before the first overnight visit, find out as much about sleeping habits from the foster family as you can. You will need to know if the child has a history of:

Sleepwalking, sleeptalking, enuresis, or night terrors (extreme nightmares);
Difficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep, or waking up;
Nighttime fears which can be alleviated with a good night light;
and

How many hours of sleep the child needs;
If the child wants the door open or closed;
Whether or not naps are needed and, if so, when, how many per week, and of what length;
If bedtime medication is required (DDAVP, for example, is commonly prescribed to prevent bedwetting);
What the child needs to be comfortable, such as a night light, a certain type of pillow, a sleeping pet (stuffed animal), lots of blankets, only cotton blankets, etc.;
And what the bedtime ritual involves. Combine the child's ritual with the one you wish to establish, i.e., pajamas, teeth brushing, bedtime story, hug, prayer, lights out.
Teens may have outgrown the desire for a bedtime story but this is an ideal time for a quick chat. Once your teen is ready for bed, take a few moments to go over the next day's schedule. If your adolescent wants to talk to you about anything, this is a good time.

Bonding & Attachment

Bonding and attachment are two very different but very important processes every new parent should know something about.

Bonding is "falling in love" with your child and your child with you. Bonding problems are rare and those that do not resolve themselves within a few weeks, rarer still. With infants, bonding can be instantaneous. With older children and teens, it will take time. You must get to know each other and build on friendship and commitment. Once this process is complete, the bond is just as strong, no matter the age of the child.

Attachment is much more complicated than bonding. Attachment is a process of trust. Children who were abused and neglected or had multiple caregivers in the first year of life may be incapable of trust and have some degree of an attachment disorder. Since attachment problems are not uncommon, before adopting any child over age 2 years, you should request a copy of the child's most recent "comprehensive psychological evaluation." This document should include at a minimum:
an IQ,
an attachment potential evaluation,
psychological, medical and learning test results,
a social history and
recommendations for any therapies the child might need, for example speech therapy, physical therapy or psychiatric therapy.

Concerns Specific To International And Transracial Adoption

Depending on the nation the child is coming from, the age and disability, and the child's most recent living environment (orphanage, foster home, living on the streets, etc.), the needs of families adopting internationally will be mildly to radically different from those adopting domestically. Children from other countries may have ESL (English as a Second Language) issues, may need extra time to adjust to the change of culture and the level of care, and may arrive with health problems not commonly seen in the USA, such as parasites picked up from unsafe drinking water.

For these reasons, it is paramount that people adopting internationally maintain close ties with their adoption agency and international adoption support group for specific help and information. Here are some more tips:

If you do not have any friends of the same race or ethnicity as your new child, find some. These friends will also serve as mentors to your child as he or she grows up and goes through a natural process called "racial identity development." Consider living in a diverse neighborhood and attending a church, temple, or synagogue with members who also belong to your child's race or ethnic group.
If you are adopting transracially or internationally, ask your adoption agency to assign you a volunteer "buddy family." A buddy family is a family that has adopted a child very much like the child you are about to adopt. Your buddy family will be of priceless help to you in dealing with unique cultural, linguistic and health issues.
Take an online or offline course in parenting transracially and transculturally. The Foster Parents Community at www.fosterparents.com offers such a course and some of the best materials ever offered on this subject are available from the North American Council on Adoptable Children. There are also some excellent book titles available.
Eventually, you will want to look into ways to help him or her stay in touch with the culture of birth. Ask your support group about "culture camps" that often take place in the summer, and tours of the child's first country that are sometimes organized for adoptive families whose children, now teens, express an interest in visiting their countries of origin.

Maintaining Contact With The Foster Family And Others

Adoption does not mean the past does not exist or should be ignored. Adoption is about dealing with the effects of the negative past, embracing the positive past, and building a happy future together. This means helping the child maintain contact with those people from his or her past that he loves and cares about. Some adopted children appreciate the opportunity to call their former foster parents and old school chums when they wish, and to be able to visit them occasionally. This contact usually follows the predictable pattern consisting of more frequent contact in the early months of the placement.

In some cases, you and the social worker may determine that ongoing contact with certain biological relatives is healthy. These relationships should be continued. The amount and type of openness in any adoption should be based upon what is safe and what is best for the child. Your social worker and the child's former foster family will help you work this out.

© Copyright(c) 2003 Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written consent.