Pressure on Stay- at-Home Moms
Question:
I work full time, and my wife stays home to care for our kids, who are 2 and 4 years old. When I get home from work, it seems all she does is yell at the kids and me about the messes we make. She's turned into a "neat freak," always running around picking up toys or wiping off counters, and she's irritable all the time. I worry about the effect this is having on the kids, but my wife seems so touchy that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Where do I start?
Answer:
Trying to keep up with two busy children all day and all evening can be exhausting, and it sounds as if your wife is feeling overwhelmed with the task. Does she get any time for herself? Does she know that she can count on your help and support when you're at home? And does she have other sources of emotional support? I suggest you arrange for a babysitter and take your wife out for a quiet dinner, followed by a conversation about how you can work together to ease the pressure. Start by giving her a chance to tell you how she feels about the way things are going, and listen carefully. Then, guided by what she tells you, offer to work with her to make things more manageable. For example, consider the following:
*How can you rearrange the physical environment in the home so the children can play and explore safely? Room arrangement, childproofing, easy storage items to simplify pickup all can make life easier. (Even if you did some babyproofing when the kids were younger, it may be time for an update to fit their new stages.)
*What are possible sources of help with household chores like dishes, laundry and cleaning? Can you take on some of those tasks in the evening? Can you afford to hire someone, even a young teenager from the neighborhood, to come in once or twice a week to help for a couple of hours?
*What are your expectations and standards with regard to household chores. Is your wife setting unrealistic standards for herself? Or does she think you expect to come home to a clean house and home-cooked meals? Can standards be relaxed, at least while the children are at this busy, messy stage?
*Is there a play group or preschool the children could attend at least a couple of mornings a week? Good quality programs offer developmental benefits for children and a welcome opportunity for mom to have some time for herself.
*How about encouraging your wife to plan a weekly outing with friends while you care for the kids and the house? And getting a sitter one night while you and your wife have a date? (It's easy for marriage to be put on the back burner during those busy years with young kids, but at a high cost!)
*Perhaps your family would do better if your wife took a part-time job outside the home. As wonderful as it can be to have a parent home full time, the purpose is defeated if the parent is irritable much of the time. Some individuals are happier--and more effective parents--when they balance their at-home time with outside work.
Although there's not enough information in your letter to indicate this, it also is possible that your wife's irritability could be a symptom of depression. Or, if her concern about neatness is extreme, it could be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her behavior also could reflect a significant issue in your relationship. Whatever the underlying reason, your concern about the impact on the kids is well-justified. If the problem is severe and persistent even after you've made a good effort to address it together, I urge you and your wife to consult with your physician, who can help you determine if there's a need for professional help.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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