Prom Night
The next few weeks will be very special ones for many high school students around the country. Prom night is supposed to be fun and romantic, and graduation is a major milestone. But these special events are often a time of risky behavior and often discomfort for kids and parents alike.
Right now, in living rooms around the country, teenagers are urging their parents to let them stay out all night after graduation, or rent a hotel room on prom night, or host a "safe" drinking party for their friends. Parents are hearing that "everybody's doing it" or "you're the only parent who's so strict and old-fashioned." And even though we're grown up, many of us parents still feel the peer pressure of going along with what seems to be the way things are done these days.
As parents we often are ambivalent about our authority when our children reach their late teens. We want to respect our kids' emerging autonomy, but we also know that the safety and well-being of our children is still our responsibility. We know that these final high-school activities are once-in-a-lifetime occasions and we want our kids to have a wonderful time. But we know that without careful planning and adult supervision, kids too often engage in risky behavior that can be deadly.
So what can parents do to help their kids have a fun and memorable time within safe and appropriate boundaries? How can we counter the pressure to relax our rules and values "just this once"? Here's what I suggest:
· Meet with other parents of the kids in your teenager's network of friends to determine common ground rules for the end-of-year parties. There is strength in numbers. The best way to get around the "everyone's doing it" argument is to get to know the "everyone" to whom your teen is referring.
· Engage kids in planning their special evenings, working within clear and safe guidelines set by the adults. Teenagers need to feel a sense of control of their plans, but they also need to know their parents care enough to put some limits on those plans.
· When possible, avoid kids' driving. Even without the presence of alcohol, the excitement of these special evenings can make driving risky. Some parents chip in to rent a van or a limo for groups of kids. Or they help to arrange a lock-up party at a safe place with lots of fun activities. (I'll never forget the fun my kids and their friends had on graduation night at a lock-up party at a community center. And, as a chaperone, I'll never forget how sleepy I was by the time we all had breakfast together and climbed onto the bus at 6 a.m.)
· However you define your guidelines for these activities, be clear and firm in communicating and enforcing the rules. Above all, let your teenager know it is your job as a loving parent to look out for their well-being, whether or not you're popular in the short run.
Then be patient in the belief that someday your children will thank you. And know that, on some level, they may even be relieved right now that you have saved them from a difficult and possibly dangerous situation. Think, for example, of the lovely college senior who recently told me about the intense discomfort she felt on her high school prom night when she and her friends partied at a local motel and the boys all seemed to think the girls "owed" them sex in exchange for the dinner, dance and corsage. With tears in her eyes, she told me, "I wanted my parents to tell me I couldn't go, because I just wasn't strong enough to say no on my own."
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
