Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you - and who thinks you're right for them! So when it happens, you're usually so blissed out that you don't even mind when your little brother finishes the cookie dough ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn't do the reading to give you a pop quiz.

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But just make sure those rose-colored glasses don't turn into blinders that keep you from seeing that your new relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

It's hoped that your new boyfriend or girlfriend will treat you as fabulously as you're treating him or her. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet, and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual Respect

Does she get how cool you are and why? Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes, but it's because you're pretending to act like someone you're not! The key is that she's into you for who you are - for your great sense of humor, your love of sci-fi movies, etc. Does he listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something, and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means you value who the person is, and you understand - and would never challenge - their boundaries.

Trust

You're talking with a guy from French class, and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool, or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes - it's a natural response. But how you react when you're jealous is what matters, and there's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

Honesty

This one goes hand in hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught her in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night, but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

Support

It's not just the bad times that your boyfriend should support you through. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart, but can't take being there when things are going right. In a healthy relationship, he's there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced, and you're ready to celebrate with him when he scores the lead in the play.

Fairness/Equality

You need to have give and take in the rest of your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with her friends as much as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, but it should be a pretty fair balance - and you'll be able to tell if it isn't. Things get bad really fast when the relationship turns into a power struggle, with each of you fighting to get your way all the time.

Separate Identities

You do need to make compromises in a healthy relationship - but that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being you. When you started going out, you both had your own lives - your own families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc., and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of school clubs you love. And you should also feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

Good Communication

You've probably heard of that book that jokes about men and women coming from two different planets because of how tough it is for the two genders to speak the same language. A classic example: "No, nothing's wrong." We all know how many different meanings that little phrase can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication might not happen in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what he'd want to hear, or you worry she'd think you're being silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that, too, if you ask for it.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: September 2002