Putting it All Together - How To Disagree With Your Parents

Of course, some parents are better than others at helping you to communicate well. Parents can help by listening to and respecting a teen's point of view, even if it opposes their own. If your parents just don't seem to be on the same track as you, Dr. Lyness offers these tips for disagreeing constructively:

*Don't make it personal. If you get upset, try to remember you're mad at the idea or concept your parent or another adult is raising, not the person.

*Avoid putting down your parents' ideas and beliefs. Instead of saying, "That's a stupid idea," say, "I don't agree, and here's why."

*Use "I" statements to communicate how you feel, what you think, and what you want or need.

*Using "you" statements can sound argumentative. For example, telling your mom or dad, "You always remind me about my chores on Wednesdays when you know I have a lot of homework" has a very different tone from "I'm feeling pressured because I have a lot of homework tonight. Can I do those chores tomorrow?"

*Listen to the other point of view. Doing so makes it more likely that a parent or adult will listen to yours.

Raising Difficult Issues

Your coach hit you. Someone in your group has been arrested for shoplifting. Your best friend tried to commit suicide: There are times when you'll need help from your parents - if you're in trouble, want advice or guidance, or are having trouble managing emotions or dealing with a difficult experience.

"Raising sensitive topics can be difficult, but sometimes a parent knows you better than you think," says Dr. Lyness. And teens who have already built good communication habits with their parents will have an easier time talking to them about the tough issues.

Here are some strategies for approaching your parents (or any adult) with a difficult issue:

*Plan what you want to say ahead of time. Thinking the issue over beforehand or writing notes will help you manage the conversation.

*Write down the three most important things you want your parents to know (many adults use this technique, too, it's a great way to prioritize and focus the conversation on what's important). You may also want to think about how your parents might react and plan the most effective response.

*Let them know directly that there's something you'd like to discuss. To be sure you have their full attention, be direct in your language.

*Say, "There's something important I want to talk to you about," instead of, "Hey, when you have a moment I'd like to talk." Of course, if the issue you have is an emergency, you'll need to address your concern quickly. Prepare them for the conversation by telling them you need their attention on something that's urgent.

*Pick a good time to talk. Try to approach them at a time when you know they'll be less busy and more able to focus on you. You may even want to ask if they could set aside an hour or so to talk at a particular time so that you know you have their undivided attention.

*Write it down. Some people find it easier to put their ideas into a letter. Let the other person read it and then have your discussion.

Reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD
Date reviewed: July 2003