Putting it All Together - Keeping Lines of Communication Open with Parents

The best tool you can use in communicating with parents - or any adult - is to keep talking to them, no matter what. Strong relationships depend heavily on keeping the lines of communication open (think of your close friends and how much you talk). Try to talk about everyday stuff with your parents as a way of building a connection. That doesn't mean telling them everything. In fact, turn the focus onto them for a change: Ask about their day - just as they do with you.

David, 15, found out first-hand how a lack of communication can grow into bigger problems. When David casually mentioned at dinner that he was thinking of trying out for the school play, his mom kept asking about it for weeks. To David, it seemed like she just couldn't let up, and her endless questions added to the pressure he placed on himself to do well. It also felt like she was getting too involved in something David wanted to do himself. He didn't want to share every detail with his mom like he might have when he was young. Instead of telling his mom how he felt, David decided it would be easier not to fill her in on anything he was doing in future. Unfortunately, this built into a trust barrier between the two of them.

What David didn't realize is that his mom wasn't intending to pressure him. She was genuinely interested in his activities and wanted to show her support - and she had no idea that David found her questions intrusive. Because they didn't talk about it, their misunderstanding grew. When David stopped talking to his mom about his friends and activities, his mother assumed he was hiding something. She began setting up curfews and limits that David found unreasonable.

A better approach for David would have been to talk to his mom, rationally, about the pressure he was feeling. Your parents may have understood you really well as a little kid, but don't assume this carries over to your life as a teenager. Tell them - as kindly as you can - how you feel about things.

Another way to get a parent to ask fewer questions is to offer some information on your own. This puts the communication in your hands. The more you keep adults informed about everyday things - even seemingly routine things like who drove you to soccer practice - the less they need to ask. Communicating everyday things has another advantage: It can show your parents that you're mature and responsible enough to make good decisions. For example, Mandy knew her parents would wonder why she'd decided to ride to practice with Jenna instead of Sam, her usual driver. But when she told them she'd made the decision because Sam drove too fast, her parents appreciated her good judgment.

It won't always be easy. You may get frustrated at times. But try not to give up. "It may take a bit for a parent who is used to making all the decisions to adjust to the independent-thinking person their child is becoming," says Dr. Lyness. Parents also don't want to see their sons and daughters suffer if the choices they make on their own aren't the "right" ones (which often means the same ones they would make themselves!). To many parents, it seems easier to step in and take control simply because they believe their years of experience put them in a better position to make decisions. If you feel that's the case with your parents, talk to them about it.

Disagree Without Disrespect

Parents are only human, and they can feel offended when their views are challenged. Parents can take their teen's disagreement personally, says Dr. Lyness. "This is especially true if you are questioning values that your parents hold dear, such as political or religious beliefs," she says. So what can you do to get your points across in a way that doesn't turn ugly? Dr. Lyness often tells her clients to remember this motto: "Disagree without disrespect."

Using respectful language and behavior in your everyday interactions is important. "Resist the temptation to use sarcasm, yell, or put down your parents and you'll have a much better chance of getting what you want," advises Dr. Jeanette LeBlanc, a counselor in Colorado.

Nonverbal actions reinforce respectful language and show that you mean what you say. If you're helpful and considerate toward family members, teachers, or coaches in your everyday actions, it demonstrates respect and helps establish a foundation for those times when you may disagree. Plus, acting respectfully demonstrates maturity. Parents are more likely to think of their children as grown up - and, as a result, capable of making more important decisions - when they see them acting maturely.

Reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD
Date reviewed: July 2003