Your classmate said "yes" to a date, and tonight's the big night. Suddenly you're feeling nervous - and could use a word of encouragement. You got the lead in the school play and you can't wait to tell someone how excited you are. You didn't make the final cut for the team and need some moral support. Who's the first person you go to at moments like this? If you're like most guys and girls, you're more likely to share your feelings with a friend than your parents.

When you were a child, your mom and dad were the first people you shared your good news with - and your problems. So what happened? Why is it that talking with your parents was so easy then and yet it's so hard now?

Changes That Affect Communication During Adolescence

It's not just your body that develops during puberty. Your mind is growing too. And this emotional development impacts your relationships - all of them. Just as you've noticed how some friendships deepen whereas others end, the long-standing relationships you have with people like parents are going to change, too. It's all about establishing the unique identity and interests that will turn you into an independent, self-reliant adult.

According to Dr. D'Arcy Lyness, an adolescent psychologist in Pennsylvania, people's minds develop in several ways during their teenage years. Not only is this a time when you develop better problem-solving skills and the ability to make responsible choices, you're also examining different values and beliefs and engaging in more self-discovery than at any other time in your life.

It's not hard to see how these changes can affect relationships with adults: You're more confident in your ability to decide things for yourself and resolve problems on your own, but your parents may still see you as the little kid who relied on them to make all the decisions. You're trying out new approaches to life and beliefs, but these may not be the same as those held by your parents. Although it's important for teens to separate themselves from their parents as a way of discovering their own identity, the separation process is a delicate balance. And it's one of the biggest times of conflict between a parent and child.

To achieve a sense of separation, some guys and girls may find themselves disagreeing, clashing with, and rebelling against their parents for a time. Others may want to voice their opinions but keep them suppressed because they don't want to upset a parent or other authority figure. All of these changes can feel confusing to someone who's used to having a close relationship with a parent or other adult. So how can you make sure your voice is not only heard but listened to?

Reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD
Date reviewed: July 2003