I would just like to add comments as well to the woman who wrote about her husband sitting on (his search) papers. My husband, too, has pushed me in the past to seek further than I have been ready to. One reason for being "slow" to get started being the simple fact that it's literally like finding a needle in a haystack and can really overwhelm you if you think about how much work and dead ends are ahead of you. Another reason is, obviously, the fear of actually finding them! Now what? You know?

What if they don't want to have anything to do with me, or they're mad because I found them (their dirty little secret has been discovered)? Also, what if they are disappointing to us? That's an option too. We've had all our lives to conceive pictures of these "dream parents" we've never met, but feel so connected to. What if they don't match up to that? And lastly, our adoptive parents are our parents. We have loved them all our lives as the only real parents we've ever had. We don't want to hurt their feelings by making them feel that they're not good enough so that we have to find our "real" parents.

I agree with Rita that sometimes non-adoptees may not understand where we're coming from in that case, as they have known exactly who their parents are their whole lives. So I would encourage any spouse of an adoptee, or friend or other supporter to try to be patient with them. There are many books that you could pick up and read to help you understand as well. And I thought the one person's idea of going to counseling was good! Thank you for this website. It's so helpful. I even told my adoptive (real) mom to get on and look around too. Good luck to all and peace.

Andrea

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