Remember That You Are Not Alone!

Do you feel like you need something but you don't know what? Do you feel empty, alone, afraid, abandoned, confused, hurt, different or depressed? Do you want to change something but you don't know where to begin, so you give up? You know you could make a better life for yourself by changing your actions, but you're scared to death to face yourself. You feel like you can't give up control because if you do, something bad might happen. You don't want anyone to know who you really are because they might not like you, they might reject you.

If you have some or all of these thoughts and feelings, you probably aren't very happy with your life and the direction it's taking. You need to do something for yourself. Where do you go? What should you do? Who can you trust? This is part of the story of my life and the actions I took to better my life.

I am a 17 year old adoptee. I was severely abused by my birth parents until I was 3 1/2 years of age. Since then, I have been placed in 15 foster homes and disrupted from two adoptive placements. When I was 9 1/2, I was placed with the family I'm in now. When I got here, I was severely disturbed.

I struggled with behaviors such as; lying, stealing, cheating, manipulating, failing school, and sometimes demonstrating violent outbursts. I didn't trust anyone and I was afraid to let my parents get close to me. I was just waiting to see how long it would take before they sent me away, too.

I went to therapy once a week. My therapist did holding sessions with me, but I refused to let myself get honest about my feelings. I refused to look at my actions and choices and the effect they took in my life. Instead, I blamed everyone else for all my problems. I chose not to help myself, and my life didn't improve.

By the time I was 15, I hated my life so much that I was hospitalized for depression. I was suicidal and I didn't know what to do. My parents couldn't trust me, I didn't trust them, and I hated myself. I grew distant from everything, and it nearly cost me my life.

It was after I got out of the hospital that I realized I needed to do something. I had to help myself and make some changes. I had to take a risk to save myself. I decided to give therapy a chance. I went into therapy and got honest about how I was feeling. I looked at the choices I'd been making and took responsibility for them. I took ownership of my life and my past. I allowed myself to feel my pain and fear instead of hiding behind my anger as I usually did. I was surprised to find that my therapist was right there with me the whole time, helping me learn how to deal with my feelings in a safe way. He pushed me to keep going and respected me for the effort I was giving. I was scared that he would think lesser of me, but instead he spoke highly of me.

My parents also stood by me and supported me. As I applied what I learned in therapy to life at home, they saw the changes I was making and they rooted for me. The more I allowed myself to feel in therapy, the easier it became to trust my parents and reciprocate love. I began making better choices for myself and gained a lot of self-esteem. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was important.

Now, don't get me wrong, holding therapy is no piece of cake, but the work is worth it. The therapy won't work if you don't work. You have to decide that you want to make some changes, then you have to do the work. The work is facing the truth of your actions and feelings. You not only need to talk about your feelings, but you also have to allow yourself to feel your feelings and work through them. You have to trust the people who want to help you.

I still do holding sessions from time to time because I find them very helpful. After I finish a holding session, I walk out of the office feeling very light and relieved. I understand another part of my history and myself with each session. For me, it is a way to release unwanted feelings. I have also discovered that I can regress, and go back to a time when I was younger. While I'm in that space, with the aid of my therapist, I can work through the feelings of a past trauma so that I come out feeling more powerful. My therapist calls it a "Corrective Emotional Experience."

There is no way I could be where I am today if I hadn't made the choice to work in therapy. I no longer lie, steal, cheat or manipulate. I recently graduated from high school with a 4.0 G.P.A. I have a job and I've accomplished a lot, including writing an autobiography which will hopefully be published within a few months. My parents love and trust me, and I reciprocate.

The message I would like to give you is this: Remember that you are not alone. There are people who are willing to help you, but you also need to help yourself. All you have to do is go for whatever you want out of life.

© The Attachment Center at Evergreen

Credits: Kelly Waldmann