Most, if not all, foster children have behavior problems. Sometimes you will receive a child into your home who is abusive to himself and others. He hits the other children, throws things at you, and refuses to be disciplined. Before he seriously hurts someone, you have to stop him. Learning when to restrain a child is very important.

Restrain means 'to prevent from doing, exhibiting, or expressing something; to limit, restrict, or keep under control' (Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Edition). This explains what you are trying to accomplish by restraining, but it does not tell you when it is appropriate or necessary.

No one can tell you exactly when a child needs to be restrained. The longer the child lives in your home, the better you will be able to tell when he is about to lose control. You will learn what sets him off and how his face looks when he needs help controlling himself. Until you have had time to understand your child, you will have to use your best judgment.

If your child is swearing and yelling, calmly ask him to go to his room or outside until he is ready to use a speaking voice. If he refuses to leave, walk away from him if this is possible. Do your best to ignore him; for instance, turn the radio up and sing along, step outside for fresh air, or read a book, while keeping an eye on him.

If your foster child doesn't take the hint and escalates to physical abuse, you will have to restrain him. In this case, the physical abuse I am referring to is swinging at you or others, hitting, punching, biting, kicking, hair-pulling, and/or head-banging, to himself or anyone else; when he becomes "physically combatant," as my mom says.

Use the restraining techniques you were taught in your training. Only let him up when he has been calm for a good five minutes. If you release your hold as soon as he quiets down, he may run from you and continue his abusiveness until you catch and restrain him again. When you allow five minutes to pass, you allow his body to slow down, and the adrenaline in his system will wither.

I have been restrained, though rarely; I remember how it felt to lose control. It would begin with a knot in my stomach while I screamed and yelled profanities. As my actions got worse, the knot would turn to a fire ball and start moving up into my chest, where it would explode. This is the point when I could no longer control what I was doing, and I would hurt other people and/or become suicidal.

After being restrained, it would take several minutes for the adrenaline rush to slow down and eventually go away completely. This is why I say to wait five minutes before allowing your child to get up. He needs that time for the "fire" to burn out.

After you have allowed your foster child to get up, send him to his room so you can calm yourself down. Get your thoughts in order, and then approach him about what happened. Try to talk it out without anger the best you can. Tell him that he can't do those things in your home (use "our home" so he still feels welcome). He needs to know that you won't hate him for what he did. He lost control, and now the two of you need to find ways to deal with his aggression. Refer to "The Extreme Teenager" for some ideas on this. Last, but not least, always try to have someone else present to witness the restraint. You never know if a child will accuse you of mistreatment months after they leave your home.

Until next time,
Wendi Sturgeon - corhanem@yahoo.com

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