Returning to Your Child's Birth Country

Why to go and when to go?

Returning to the country of your child's birth is not the same as returning to see a child's orphanage and adoption city (see below). Returning to travel and explore being a multi-cultural family, seeing sights, enjoying foods, learning cultural traditions and forming family experiences within the country is very import to your child's sense of self-esteem and acceptance that they are from a culture/race perhaps different from yours and that it's OK. It's an important step in their development of their self-image. The decision to travel to the birth county should be a family decision. It should be discussed and understood by all. It should be because the family wants to learn about the country and not just the adult who wants the child to learn. It is not just "for the child," it is "for the family."

So - kids vary, parents vary, the stories kids learned about China vary, the emphasis placed on the orphanage versus on being Chinese varies, etc etc etc. So there's not one size fits all response to when to go. The "Why to go" is simple - the child may always wonder if there is something you are hiding from them if they don't see their birth country for themselves. They may not even realize that you can't afford to go or that it is difficult to make time for the trip, etc. Of course if these things are the real reason you can't go then your child needs to hear this truth too. Using China again as the example: If someone says to your child or they hear on TV "people are poor in China" the child may think all people are poor in China. If someone says "people eat rats in China" the child may believe there is something wrong with where they are from versus discovering that the Chinese culture is very efficient and innovative when it comes to food and that different foods are believed to provide special nourishment for different organs in the body.

The "being there" experience is so powerful that it is impossible to describe the impact a positive experience with the birth country can have. The child can say: "I did see some farmers living in older style traditional homes in the countryside but they ate well and had more rooms to live in than the people in the city." Or, "While in China I saw a wide range of housing and lifestyles from worker's housing to new apartments and houses."

There are, however, clusters by age in terms of how children react to being in their birth country. My responses are based on families coming to China with their children over the last 4 years - both through group tours and independent families who have visited with us while they were in China.

First, by age

We have had children ages 2.5 through 14 at our culture camp programs with their parents over the years. Most of the adoptive children have been ages 4-10. The 2.5 through 8 year olds have a very different experience than those 9 and over who are adopted. Those 9 and over siblings who come to culture camp seem to have the same experience as the 2.5 through 8 year old adoptees. Something happens at age nine that is very interesting but I suspect a family trip to Texas might reveal this same difference in behavior except that the child is coming to the birth country and there are expectations of dealing with being adopted from that country. Prior to age 9 the children are like sponges willing to absorb any experience thrown their way - climb, hike, listen to Chinese traditional music, fan dance, eat Chinese food 24/7, try pit toilets, you name it! They are very flexible and willing to do it all.

From 9 on there is an attitude - something we observed to be one of initial rejection of everything that is Chinese, "Oh, China is so dirty I am glad I don't live here", and "I can't wait to eat at McDonalds", etc etc. For several days the child can't quite believe that they are from this place that is sooooo different from what they imagined it to be. So it takes a few days to get the older child "into it". They end up having a great time but the transition is slower. I would caution all parents that returning to China requires discussion and preparation of the child and parents.

Many people have focused on traveling first at ages 4-7 and then returning home to prepare for the orphanage visit at age 9, but not much later. All parents that have come have reported they are glad they brought their child at an early age, glad they didn't wait until teen years which some people have thought they would do, and say that for those who went to the orphanage it was a mixed experience - some kids again were happy with it and ready and some didn't really seem overly troubled or interested, and some were in shock as a result (ill-prepared by parents is what I observed in this instance or the child had some trauma at the orphanage previously and didn't wish to return - as was the case in one older child's adoption situation).

Not everyone can afford to come back often so I believe people need to plan a trip prior to age 9 if they can afford to do so. Whether it's a group tour or individual program, it's better done early. Some families have said that traveling as a group, while not their normal mode of family travel, was good because the girls were all in the same situation - experiencing China, they had kids to play with, they had programs and activities that would not be available as individual family traveling, and the girls interchange their adoption information and questions with each other in a very healthy way. As adults we overhear them chatting at the back of the bus - it is very interesting to listen to.

Visiting Your Child's Orphanage - Being Prepared

Who wants to visit and why?

Families usually have some concerns about bringing their child(ren) back to their orphanage and adoption city. Recently an adoptive dad asked if there was any chance that his children would encounter their birthparents. He was very concerned about this and was worried that his children would be traumatized by this event. He was also likely worried that he too would not be able to handle such a situation.

One child I know of actually thought perhaps she was going to see her birthmother and was preparing in her mind how she would tell her parents that she could live with her birthmother one year and them the next year, etc. The scenario was in the mind of the child but it had not entered the parent's wildest imagination that their child was thinking this until after they traveled and visited her orphanage and she shared it with them.

Examine who wants to visit the orphanage/adoption city and why. Parents often want to return because it is the place where they received their wonderful child - a very positive feeling about a place that "gave" a precious gift to them. However, for the child the time in the orphanage is "a different thing." Some children were in foster care and some in conditions that were less than perfect. Be sure you are returning to the orphanage because your child is ready to go there and not because you feel you need to go there. Focus on whether or not your child is ready for the visit and do not force a child to visit their orphanage. Preparation is important and the child should feel like they have an option - they can visit their birth county without visiting their orphanage or they can make the visit.

Here' s what we've found thus far from observations:

1. Children do better going to their orphanage after having a sightseeing tour or cultural camp program in China as they have a chance to gradually acclimate to China and are not as shocked by the initial visit to the orphanage.

2. Children and parents both need preparation so that the trip to the orphanage is not about "taking something home" as it was the first time but rather "giving something back" - a way for the child to give something so that she realizes she has done something for those kids who were not yet adopted (and thus not as lucky as she will realize she is). Some educational program, gifts for the kids - books/toys, or medical items like vitamins all help in that process.

3. Realistic expectations of what they will see, do and experience both physically and emotionally. Be prepared to not visit the orphanage if your child does not wish to go at this time. Do not force the situation on them because it's a place that you as the parent wishes to see - it does not mean your particular child will want to or needs to (it's very much a developmental process). We've had parents take their kids back and many parents who treat trip #1 back to China as a family vacation about culture and then afterwards discuss with the child whether or not they wish to visit their orphanage on trip #2. Children actually say "no" more often than you realize.

4. Age of child will dictate whether or not major meetings should be held with adoption officials at the orphanage with the child present. Sometimes documents are presented from files that will be disturbing to the child if she is not prepared to hear about them or see them. Think about this ahead of time and if your goal is to check out her file you might figure out whether or not to do that independent of the child being present.

5. Make the return visit more about seeing their adoption city versus the orphanage -don't over glorify this place as "Mecca" as not all children will react positively -those who are enthusiastic and interested deserve the opportunity to experience it all full-tilt if that's what works for them. All kids are different.

6. Age to return - younger is better for return trips to China with or without the orphanage visit. If it's possible to do something between ages 6-8 a lot of preventative medicine happens - the child gets the context of China without being forced into the orphanage scene yet and they fall in love with China and being Chinese which is more important than having a positive connection to their orphanage. They need for their life-long self-worth a positive connection to their culture and people. The fact that they were from their particular orphanage is about the process of adoption (in some cases the process of chance)- many children are not actually from the place where they were institutionalized.

7. From ages 9 onward the kids that come to China arrive with a decidedly American attitude about everything, more resistant to change and less willing to be flexible and try new things. They notice the dirt with some embarrassment, they notice the pit toilets not for their novelty as the younger kids do but for their inconvenience, etc etc. They see everything negative about China first and then gradually get the positive. The younger kids see the positive and might notice but not be too terribly bothered by the negative. My constant approach is to try to get kids into the positive mode early on.

8. Many children adopted from China only experience Chinese holidays as a means of understanding their culture and don't know anything about China except Panda bears and the Great Wall. You can imagine when they see millions of people, see dusty dirty cities, discover weird foods, and various living conditions that they are rather put off by all this - after all, they are Chinese too. So, it's good for them to discover all this and then have fun - how else will they ever be able to understand conditions that cause a country to have a one-child policy if they don't see and experience society. Likewise, in the US when we present Chinese culture we omit the socially unacceptable aspects of it like the paternalism. Also, we rarely have our kids engaged in activities with homeless and poor people in America so poverty if often something new to the kids who come to Culture Camp in China. I spend a lot of time talking about inner city America on the bus before I talk about inner city Beijing. For example - "just like in Chicago where many poorer families would live in high-rise buildings provided by the government, in China people live in government provided housing that looks quite similar on the outside. In fact, some of this housing can be very nice on the inside and the families may be middle class and not poor by Chinese standards." Why should America be good and China bad? We want children to see something and say - wow that's similar or gee that's different - and ask "why is that the case?" - get to the analysis mode not just observation. We focus a lot on developmental education through this experience.

This article may be reprinted by permission of OCDF for non-commercial use by adoption support groups, adoption agencies, and organizations whose operation is non-profit under the US IRS 501c3 regulations.

Submitted for OCDF by Josie Whitmore, Director of Educational Programs.
josie@ocdf.org

© 2003