According to William Doherty, in his book The Intentional Family: How to Build Ties in Our Modern World, we now have the first society in human history without a clear social consensus about what constitutes real family and good family. In his book, this author says, "because our communities and culture are unable to provide a coherent vision or set of tools and supports, families are left to create those supports - via family traditions and rituals - on their own." Indeed, as an adoptive family, you are charged with the additional responsibility of creating a vision of what it means to have built your family through adoption.

The new Family section of the Chicago Tribune (April 4, 1999) focused on rituals and traditions in an article entitled The Ties That Bind. This piece included the opinions of several children regarding how and why traditions and rituals provide the glue that holds families together. Katie Fritze described a tradition that endures even though she is away at college. According to Katie, "Whenever something doesn't feel right, my mom or dad will notice and say, 'Let's take a walk and talk.' I'd say we have a tradition of communicating with each other."

Avi Poster, Principal of District 21's Booth Tarkington Elementary School in Wheeling would agree. "Communicating is what traditions and rituals are all about". According to Poster, "You can convey any message you want through rituals."

Generation bridging activities help children feel like their parents by inviting the child to participate in an activity that was enjoyed by the parent when he/she was a child. A sense of belonging is nurtured in the sharing of the pleasurable experience. The message conveyed is "I like doing this, I think you will too."

What did your family do together that stands out in your memory as special? Were there special mom and daughter/dad and son outings? Did your family have special family activities around the holidays? I'll give you a few examples and perhaps my suggestions will spark an idea for your family.

Simple ideas often work the best with young children. One mother told her daughter about how she enjoyed baking Christmas cookies with her Mom. The parts she said she particularly enjoyed included being able to pick the type of cookie herself, going with her Mom to the store to get all of the ingredients, and then getting to stay up very late, just she and her Mom, "baking and baking" those special cookies. Who could resist the chance to pick the special cookie, and then to get to stay up way past bedtime with Mommy tasting the batter and licking the bowl? And best of all, that's how Mommy felt, too.

Children have an uncanny way of knowing what is real and what is not. Although parents are often tempted to make-up a memory, coming up with something that you actually experienced as a child, is usually a better idea. Going to visit an old train yard was a fond memory for one adoptive Dad. He told his son about how he waited and waited for his Dad to get home early from work on Saturday afternoons. He was there, waiting on the front steps ready to go. His son hadn't shown any prior interest in trains, but it seems that the invitation to do something like his Dad was more than enough. Off they went to begin their own new set of memories.

More and more, families involved in some level of openness are creating their own rituals and incorporating them into the traditional holiday celebrations. One family celebrates Thanksgiving on Thursday with their extended family and on the following day shares another complete Thanksgiving dinner with their child's birth family. During the celebration of Passover it is traditional for Jewish families to set a place at the sedar table for the prophet Eliah. This symbolizes that there is always a place for the stranger or friend in need in our hearts and at our table. One family set a second place to recognize and honor members of the birth family.

By using rituals, ceremonies and family activities you can reach out and speak to your child in a more meaningful way. I encourage you to begin to develop your own family rituals.

Remember:
It is in the light of dialogue
Instead of the darkness of secrecy
That healing and connectedness begin.

Designing A Family Ritual

1. Describe in detail the feeling or belief that you want to highlight.
2. Who in the family needs help to understand the issue in a different way?
3. Who in the family already understands the issue?
4. Describe the way you will enact the ritual (story-telling, play-acting, drawings, etc.)
5. Consider the use of symbols such as candles, balloons, flowers, or tree planting.
6. Using the information above, design a ritual or family activity that sends the desired message.