My husband and I prepared ourselves as much as we could for the long-awaited arrival of our son and daughter. We read books, asked questions, and attended the required training. We anticipated that our first year would be very full of dealing with doctors, social workers, previous foster parents, family, and friends. What we failed to fully consider was the prospect of working with our children's school teachers for the first time.

That part, we thought, would be easy. After all, I had volunteered for two years with first graders and my husband is an experienced high school history teacher. But everything changed once we became new parents to two school-age children - Faith, age ten, and Connor, age nine - and we had to learn the hard way how to interact and communicate with the kids' teachers and school system. My dreamy thoughts of being a concerned, involved parent met with reality during the first few months my kids were in their new school system.

Before the children joined our family, I envisioned a future in which I would frequently check their desks for neatness, speak often with the teachers, and be valued as a classroom resource because of my nursing background. When the children arrived, I signed up to be a substitute teacher. I waited for the open, generous communication and appreciation to begin. It didn't happen.

The first communication that did occur centered around complaints about Faith's classroom conduct. I hardly knew what to do. Unfortunately, the previous foster parents provided very little information about the kids' personalities, and I didn't immediately realize the importance of many factors in my children's backgrounds. My daughter was anxious, scared, out of my control range, using old habits of passive-aggressive anger (her specialty), testing limits, and demonstrating the inadequacies in her social skills. I was still getting to know her, while the teachers were operating under the assumption that she had always been mine.

At the time, I was just trying to make it through the days with two brand new, half-grown additions who doubled the size of our family overnight. We were going through all the usual stages with our kids: the honeymoon stage, the testing, the defiance, the attempt to hurt (reject) us before we hurt them, and the unresolved issues of anger, grief, and control. Several times my kids used the school to carry out their disruptive behaviors. Not wanting the adoption to stumble or head toward failure, I carried my determination to school. It was important to me to convey to Faith that I would parent her anywhere, anytime, no matter how difficult she tried to be. Numerous other sets of parents had quickly given up on her and I wanted to be different.

While I maintained my presence and role as the parent, the teachers saw me as an unwelcome trespasser, and I suddenly became very aware that I had crossed an "invisible line" with the school. I had expected too much. I had failed to fully inform the teachers of my children's needs because I didn't know them myself. I began to feel that I had seriously jeopardized any and all future communication with Faith's three teachers. I asked that my name be taken off the substitute teacher list.

It eventually occurred to me that parents who deal with younger children are trained to deal with the school system in a way that is more timely and forgiving. I think the key lies with preschool teachers or kindergarten teachers who not only take on the frightened four-to-six year olds, but also initiate and carry out the process of encouraging parents to "let go." In talking to parents who have raised their children from infancy, I found that the parents just accept school issues as part of their children's normal growth process.

Moms and dads who start their parenting career with older children jump right in the middle of the schooling process, and never receive the kind of initiation and training that other parents experience. This ignorance can, as in my case, result in conflict and misunderstanding between parents and teachers. Teachers may then perceive new parents as overly-concerned and problematic, become frustrated with the situation, and respond hesitantly to learning about the unique needs of older adopted children.

As time has passed, I have learned to accept that my kids' desks will very likely be messy. They will throw unacceptable papers away at school so I never see them. They will sneak things to school and trade or give them away. They may be disruptive during class. They will fail to complete or turn in work on time. They may latch onto kids of whom my husband and I would not approve. Making friends requires many qualities, and it's hard for kids with a background of multiple placements to see the worth in making friends. Due to years of conditioning, they're still emotionally preparing for another move to another foster home.

For their part, teachers may or may not agree with how parents deal with their children, or be interested in educating themselves about a particular child's situation. They have a classroom full of multi-need kids and, in most cases, yours are just part of the group. Living with children who have attachment issues is uniquely challenging, especially since - to the outside world - they can appear very "normal" and intact. Be thankful if you do discover a teacher who is receptive to learning about your child's needs; not all of them will be. These teachers may be willing to read materials or engage in brief phone conversations or even set up personal conferences if truly needed. Ask your children's teachers what they have time for.

Keep in mind that part of our duty as parents and advocates is to inform and educate. Despite its prevalence, attachment disorder is still unknown to many professionals. Teachers should learn about the disorder, and though they may resist interference with their classroom environment, you do have the right to decide how you will guide and discipline your child. Use caution, however, when thinking about carrying consequences into the classroom. Such actions may only embarrass you and your child. Children must have enough freedom to learn to make wise choices away from home, but should also understand that school behavior may eventually affect other privileges.

Always, always limit problems to the smallest area possible. Never make the mistake of unnecessarily drawing other kids and their parents into situations unless you really like a good challenge! Many problems that originate at school can be dealt with quietly and privately at home.

In every situation, maintain a certain measure of parental control; absolute consistency and follow-through are very important for children who have routinely experienced instability and broken promises. To improve your chances of successfully re-parenting your children, enlist support from teachers, neighbors, and friends. Make your rules very clear. Kids with troubled pasts are often experts at manipulation, lying, and conning.

You may never learn about some of your children's problems, and many school problems may not come to light until days or weeks after the fact. If it is important, you will probably find out sooner or later. Inevitably, citizenship grades, academic grades, phone calls from the teacher, or other revelations will create a situation in which your child will have to deal with the poor choices he or she has made.

Remember too, that your grade school-aged child will have the same teacher or teachers for nine long months. Be patient with teachers that seem less than sympathetic or helpful. Keep in mind, however, that each new year generally means a new teacher, new situations, and another opportunity (for you and your kids) to start over again.

Adjusting to a new set of parents takes a lot of energy and your children's grades may not immediately reflect their true potential. To bring out a child's potential, parents must consistently provide encouragement year after year. Eventually, as children develop an ability to trust, they will also become more motivated to please. Faith's first independently earned "A" in citizenship was quite an achievement. It took her nine report cards (over a year and a half) to accomplish this solely on her own.

Waiting more than three years to become parents turned us into two very eager, idealistic people who wanted to do everything the right way (as we saw it). We made the honest mistake of wanting to be protective of our children 24 hours a day. Looking back, however, I have also realized that the first difficult year was not entirely my fault. Some teachers are more open to dealing with first-time parents than others, and some minimize the importance of the situation by thinking that other kids are much more important. We also faced the disadvantage of living in a rural setting where very few parents have adopted older kids.

Over time though, I've also learned that one important task of adoptive parenting is advocating for your kids. Though both we and the teachers entered into the situation unprepared, it is our responsibility to learn from past mistakes and combat ignorance and misunderstandings. When dealing with schools, parents' ultimate goal must be to enable teachers to better help their children. And, when dealing with the challenges and joys of instant parenthood, parents should always be patient and forgiving toward themselves. After all, learning how to parent two half-grown children is not an overnight process.