Self-esteem: Too Much of a Good Thing?

Much has been written about the importance of self-esteem. Articles about self-esteem regularly appear in newspapers, popular magazines, and education and psychology journals. Self-esteem is a frequent topic on television talk shows, in parenting support groups, and at education conferences and seminars.

Parents have been caught up in this preoccupation with their child's self-esteem and often ask, "How is my child feeling about himself/herself?" (Woods, 1999). In an article entitled "Self-esteem: Balance between Individual and Community," Carol Woods suggests that in our concern for children's self-esteem over all else, we are creating a nation of self-absorbed individuals who are incapable of assuming necessary levels of responsibility and contributing to the overall well-being of society.

In her writings about self-esteem, Lilian Katz (1993a, 1993b) asks whether we are developing our children's self-esteem or narcissism, which she defines as an "excessive preoccupation with oneself" (Katz, 1993a, p. 2). Is it possible to have too much self-esteem, or is our approach to developing children's self-esteem misguided? Are there other child behaviors that parents should focus on that would result in improved self-esteem?

Psychologists Martin Seligman (1998) and Ervin Staub (1999), writing for the American Psychological Association, also question the emphasis on self-esteem. They discuss the relationship between inflated feelings of self-worth and aggression in children. In their reports of research on aggression in children, Seligman and Staub found that bullies often do not have low self-esteem. They also report that aggressive boys tend to blame others rather than themselves for negative outcomes.

Seligman talks about the "baseless" self-esteem that constitutes much of modern day child rearing in which children are taught that they are special and that they are victims when they experience disappointments in life. Instead, Seligman says, children need "warranted" self-esteem-based on the skills of doing well in the world, on personal responsibility, and on doing well with others.

Staub suggests that the issue is not simply the level of self-esteem but, rather, on what self-esteem is based. Children and youth will strive to gain a positive image of themselves, Staub says. If they do not have the socially valued means to gain such a positive image-competence, good performance in school, and good relations with peers-they will use aggression to do so.

Are children's feelings of self-esteem influenced by their relations with peers? Carol Woods (1999) contends that self-esteem evolves at least as much through cooperation and positive interactions as it does through individual accomplishments. What else do we know about the role of children's social skill development on their overall well-being? Consider the following studies:

* Ladd (1990) found that for young children making the transition from preschool to kindergarten, those who start kindergarten with a friend in class make better adjustments to school than those who do not start with a friend. Children who maintain friendships as the school year progresses like school better, and children who make new friends make greater gains in school performance.

* Parker and Asher (1987) found that children who fail to achieve a minimal competence in social relationships with peers are at risk for developing a variety of social maladaptations later in their lives-academic failure, dropping out of school, juvenile delinquency, and mental health problems.

* Suomi and Harlow's (1975) classic study on infant Rhesus monkeys found that peer deprivation among these monkeys had deeper and longer lasting adverse consequences than did maternal deprivation.

* Dishion, Patterson, Stoolmiller, and Skinner (1991) observed that children who fail to establish satisfying relationships with peers, especially if their rejection is due to aggression, eventually find each other and form subgroups. The sense of belonging on the part of the members of such subgroups depends on shared hostility and resentment toward larger groups by whom they feel rejected.

This latter study is disturbingly suggestive of the experiences of the boys responsible for the recent school shootings in Littleton, Colorado.

If self-esteem is enhanced by successful social relations, how can parents foster skills necessary to have satisfying social relationships? In a recent article entitled "Teaching Kids Respect," Ron Taffel (1999) writes about the alarming lack of respect exhibited by children as reported by parents, grandparents, teachers, school administrators, coaches, religious leaders, and camp owners. Taffel contends that parents unknowingly foster disrespect in their children in part because they worry that being too strict will dampen a child's spirit, independent thinking, and self-expression-adjectives often associated with self-esteem in children.

Taffel (1999) reminds readers that behaving respectfully means more than good manners. He offers the following three principles to help parents engender more respect in their children:

* Principle number one: You're a parent, not a friend.
Explain less, remember who is boss, and respect your own right to privacy.

* Principle number two: Reasonable limits do not oppress children.
Demand a respectful tone, point out rudeness, create an immediate consequence, and be clear about your beliefs.

* Principle number three: To get respect, you need to show it.
Watch what you say, give more than lip service, and collaborate to solve problems.
Respect, Taffel says, is not only about listening to grown-ups. It's also about appreciating that everyone's feelings ought to be considered, even those of the parents. The ability to be responsive to the needs of others, rather than putting your own desires first is essential in maintaining social relationships.

So, is helping children feel good about themselves a bad thing to do? Of course not, but constant messages to children about how wonderful they are may raise doubts about the credibility of the message and the messenger (Katz, 1994). As Martin Seligman (1998) notes, parents would do their children a greater service by helping them develop the abilities that warrant self-esteem-doing well in the world, taking personal responsibility, and getting along well with others.

One of parents' greatest balancing acts (and there are many) is to find the right tension between letting your child feel unconditional love as the center of your universe while gradually broadening the focus of his or her world view to include the needs of a wider community with a concern for the common good. Human beings, Carol Woods reminds us, are social creatures with a mutual dependence. Self-esteem is important, she says, but it is one of many vital elements in human development. It depends not only on self-respect, but also on mutual respect.

Sources

Dishion, T. J., Patterson, G. R., Stoolmiller, M., & Skinner, M. L. (1991). Family, school, and behavioral antecedents to early adolescent involvement with antisocial peers. Developmental Psychology, 27(1), 172-180. (ERIC Document No. EJ 429 016)

Katz, Lilian G. (1993a). Distinctions between self-esteem and narcissism: Implications for practice. Champaign, IL: ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education. (ERIC Document No. ED 363 452)

Katz, Lilian G. (1993b). Self-esteem and narcissism: Implications for practice. ERIC Digest. Champaign, IL: ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education. (ERIC Document No. ED 358 973)

Katz, Lilian G. (1994). All about me. Principal, 73(5), 9-12. (ERIC Journal No. EJ 483 342)

Ladd, Gary W. (1990). Having friends, keeping friends, making friends, and being liked by peers in the classroom: Predictors of children's early school adjustment. Child Development, 61(4), 1081-1100. (ERIC Journal No. EJ 417 116)

Parker, Jeffrey G., & Asher, Steven R. (1987). Peer relations and later personal adjustment: Are low-accepted children at risk? Psychological Bulletin, 102(3), 357-389.

Seligman, Martin E. P. (1998). The American way of blame. APA Monitor Online, 29(7). Available: http://www.apa.org/monitor/jul98/pc.html [1999, October 11].

Staub, Ervin. (1999). Aggression and self-esteem. APA Monitor Online, 30(1). Available: http://www.apa.org/monitor/jan99/point.html [1999, October 11].

Suomi, S., & Harlow, H. P. (1975). The role and reason of peer relationships in Rhesus monkeys. In M. Lewis & L. Rosenblum (Eds.), Friendships and peer relations. New York: Wiley.

Taffel, Ron. (1999, June). Teaching kids respect. Parents, pp. 96-103.

Woods, Carol S. (1999). Self-esteem: Balance between individual and community. Montessori Life, 11(2), 38-40. (ERIC/EECE Journal No. PS 529 205)