Self-injurious behavior among teens is not an issue many parents are willing to face. Every year, thousands of kids engage in habits that result in their seriously injuring themselves. Some of their actions come under the official self- injurious behavior label, and others are self-destructive enough to cause us all concern. During my years in foster care, I saw variety of destructive behaviors.

Statistics from several years ago show this problem to be widespread and growing. The report claims that 1000 out of 100,000 or approximately 1% of Americans engage in self-injurious behavior. It occurs in many folks during their 20's and 30's, but often begins in the teen years. Those most likely to be victims of self-abuse are kids with backgrounds of parental neglect, sexual or physical abuse and those with borderline psychological disorders. We have seen it in children and teens with low self-esteem and teens that believed their situations were hopeless.

When a child learns to hate himself or blames himself for his life turning out badly, he sometimes tries to harm himself. The methods vary, but often involve cutting on one's self, burning themselves, or even hitting themselves. Drug abuse, eating disorders, promiscuity, driving too fast and even trying to fail are more subtle ways to self-injure.

We have witnessed abuse victims try to cut their wrists, more scratching than actually cutting. On at least one occasion, we had to do a suicide watch with this young lady because the cuts went much deeper than usual. There has been times when boys in our home have engaged in a systematic burning of their arms and legs with a lighter. It seems to give them pleasure to be in control of their pain, possibly a substitution for the pain they live with daily. These kids were hurting so much from the pain their families put them through and for some strange reason, it gave them relief. In many cases they hated these bodies that they feel betrayed them and blame themselves for the sexual and physical abuse. They feel unloved and deserving of more pain.

Subtle ways like driving recklessly and doing crime are also used. The chance that you may have an accident or get caught is appealing to someone who self-injures. Punishment is just another way of hurting ones self. Trying to fail or doing something illegal, refusing to take meds, or take care of their health are even more ways. Eating disorders like some of these others are not so overt as cutting, but just as serious.

The best antidote to hateful feelings about ourselves is to raise self-esteem. These kids need to feel good about themselves. They need genuine praise for things well done. We need to validate their feelings and really listen to their troubles. Do not make light of their perceptions about problems. Help, but do not play down the severity of their situation. Teach them how to forgive themselves. They must realize many things are not their fault such as being victims of sexual abuse.

But, what about all those kids who themselves are the perpetrators and are guilty of serious crimes. We worked with kids who did hateful, harmful things to others. These kids have a much longer road and need professional help. They need to eventually ask forgiveness of their victims and feel remorse. They must attempt to mend relationships with the help of a good therapist. The therapist can bridge the gap between a feeling of hopelessness and a future for this teen. It will take time and lots of hard work.

The family will be on the right track if they work on the problem from the unconditional love viewpoint while keeping everyone responsible for their own actions. Loving a child unconditionally means no mater what they do, you will be there for them and support them. It does not mean acceptance of bad behavior just the child. Severe problems will need therapy for the safety of your child and peace and mind of the family. Untreated a child could become suicidal.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel