Sending Messages to Children

GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.

Question:

I'm concerned about the messages I may be sending to my kids. I want to be a positive influence in their lives, but sometimes I think what I say is demoralizing to them. For instance, my daughter wanted to paint her fingernails. She spilled a bit of the nail polish and my response was, "See? That's why mommy wanted to do it." I know that is not the right answer, but how can I get past that type of response and how might that kind of response be affecting my daughter?

Answer:

It takes a lot of patience and planning to support children in learning to do things on their own. Falling into the "I told you so" pattern is easy! In fact, chances are you are repeating messages your own parents gave you. But your self-awareness is the first--and probably biggest--step toward finding a better way.

Here are three broad suggestions that may be helpful:

*Plan ahead for success. To use the nail polishing example, acknowledge beforehand that this can be a messy task and engage your daughter in figuring out how to prepare for spills--for example, making sure she's seated comfortably at a table with newspaper or paper towels spread out to catch spills. Or if a task really is too much for a child to handle independently, do it together, letting your child do what she can and acknowledging her efforts. (For example, if she's right-handed she might easily put polish on her left-hand fingernails, but you might need to do the other hand. Even adults often find it awkward to do such tasks with their non-dominant hand.)

*When mistakes happen, be matter-of-fact and figure out together how to cope. Mistakes are learning opportunities. For example, with the nail polish spill, you could simply say, "Uh-ohwe have a mess here. How shall we clean it up?" Then, afterward, ask your daughter what she could do to prevent spills the next time. And recognize her when she follows through.

*Use reflective pauses. When you feel a demoralizing message on the tip of your tongue, take a deep breath and silently count to ten. Your goal as a parent is to nurture your children to be strong, capable and confident. The best tool you have may be your own memories of how you experienced the messages you received from your own parents. Be intentional about choosing to repeat those messages that made you want to try hard, and cast aside those messages that made you want to give up or blow up. Talk with your spouse or a close friend about what you are striving for, and accept their support and encouragement as you try to live out your choices.

Best wishes on this all-too-familiar journey!

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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