The Case of Odd-Parent-Out

One factor that sometimes (not always) can make equitable decision-making difficult between parents is when you are the only woman in a household of men (when you have only sons) or when you are the only man in a household of women (when you have only daughters.)

In this family system you are in danger of becoming odd-parent-out, treated as a minority member in the dominant sexual culture of the family because you are the sexually different from everyone else. Feeling ganged up on, you are outnumbered and overpowered in defining and deciding how family matters should be. In the worst case, a form of sexism can take place in this family system, complete with prejudice and discrimination.

Prejudice puts the odd-parent-out down. The odd-parent-out is made to feel inferior (stupid) because of sexual ignorance ("How can a mother understand her son's needs as a man? As his father, I know best." "How can a father understand his daughter's needs as a woman? As her mother, I know best.")

Discrimination keeps the odd-parent-out from full participation in parental decision-making. Declares the other parent: "I'll take care of it, I know best." And the odd-parent-out is treated as an outsider, excluded from the loop of information in which everyone else is often included. ("I'll tell you, if you promise not to tell Dad." "I'll tell you, if you promise not to tell Mom.")

Then prejudice and discrimination can interlock; each used to justify the other. Based on the prejudice that says odd-parent-out lacks credibility, that person is denied information available to everyone else (discrimination.) Based on discrimination that denies odd-parent-out information available to everyone else, the person lacks credibility because of ignorance about family life (prejudice.) As you lose credibility from prejudice, you are told less; as you are told less from discrimination, you lose credibility. It's a vicious cycle that increasingly marginalizes the importance of odd-parent-out in the family.

The parent who shares the same sexual identity with the children is often given more confiding, respect, empathy, authority, and support by them than the odd-parent-out who is still loved, but in a condescending way. "Oh, you're just being a Mom!" "Oh, you're just being a Dad!" Sometimes it feel like being loved in spite of your parental designation and not because of it.

To be treated as a second class parent in the family by children and a spouse you love because of being sexually different can hurt. You are neither equally being valued nor equally included. So what is to be done? When incidents of sexual prejudice or discrimination are directed at you in the family, no matter how small, no matter how innocently, no matter if done with humor or good humor, assert your equal importance as parent in family affairs. Don't allow yourself to be put down. Don't allow yourself to be kept out.

Children who learn same-sex superiority and dominance in the odd-parent-out family are likely to carry those beliefs and behaviors out into later families of their own Of more immediate importance, however, is that they are being denied full access to and full influence from the other sex parent. If you allow your equal worth as a person and parent to be discounted, diminished, or demeaned it will be to everyone's cost. You will lose self-esteem, your spouse will lose an equal partner, and your children will lose the benefit of your full influence and participation in their lives.

© Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. 2002, all rights reserved. For permission to use, contact the author.