Shopping with Friends
Question:
Our daughter is clamoring to be allowed to go shopping at the mall with friends (without an adult along) when she turns 12 later this fall. We're hearing the familiar line, "All the other parents let their kids," but we're not sure she's old enough for that kind of independence. What do you think?
Answer:
At age 11, children are eager to get out from under their parents' constant supervision and spread their wings. But whether they are ready for the freedom they desire depends on both the child and the context. Here are a few things to consider as you make a decision that is right for your daughter:
*How responsible and trustworthy has your daughter been in other situations? Does she follow through with things you ask her to do? If you leave her on her own at home for brief periods, can you count on her to behave well and make good choices?
*Does your daughter know what to do if she finds herself in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation? For example, what would she do if approached by a stranger at the mall? Or pressured by peers to do something that is against your family values? (Don't take these skills for granted. Children benefit from parents' direct teaching, followed by opportunities to practice specific things to say or do in tough situations.)
*Is the mall a relatively safe, well-monitored, crime-free environment? And how will your daughter and her friends get to and from the mall? Will a responsible adult be driving both ways? Is there a safe, well-lighted place to wait for the ride home?
*Are your daughter's friends trustworthy, and do you know their parents? Whatever the age of your children, it is always wise to get to know their friends and their parents. It is natural that your daughter will push for greater independence over the next few years, and your job will be to encourage that independence within safe, healthy limits. That task will be much easier if you maintain close communication with the parents of the other children her age. When parents join together to set community rules and expectations about young people's behavior, the old "all the other parents ..." line goes out the window. And young people feel secure in the knowledge that parents care about their safety and well-being.
Once you decide your daughter is ready to go shopping independently, it's important to communicate clear expectations. For example, for safety, you might specify that she should always be with at least one friend. Perhaps you'll decide that shopping is OK as long as her school work is completed first. And what about time? At any age, too much mall time is not good. Although young people need unstructured time with friends, they need even more time in supervised activities that build skills, confidence and positive connections to school and community.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
