Taken From: Growing Concerns- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My 13-year-old daughter and another girl were at a sleepover last night but got very upset when the hostess and her mother got into a huge and ugly shouting match. The other guest called her mom to pick her up, and my daughter went with them to finish the sleepover at their house. The problem is that no one bothered to call me and I found out when I called the first girl's house about 11 p.m. to check in and say good night to my daughter. When the girl told me my daughter had left without anyone notifying me, I was furious! When I finally reached my daughter, she said she didn't call me because she was afraid she'd wake me up. Should I ground my daughter? If so, for how long? And should I forbid her to continue the friendship with the girl who fought with her mom? Help!

Answer: At 13, your daughter needs to understand that she always must let you know where she is. You need to make it clear to her that she should call you at any time of day or night if her plans change. To drive home this point and let her know how serious it is that she didn't call to ask your permission to go to the other girl's house, grounding her for the rest of the week makes sense.

Beyond that, cutting off the friendship with the other girl may be too rash without knowing more about the situation. I suggest you start by having your daughter tell you more about what happened. What was the nature of the argument between the mother and daughter? How does your daughter feel about her friend's behavior? How does she feel about continuing the friendship? This must have been a stressful situation for everyone, so listen carefully and talk with your daughter about how she could have handled the situation.

It's also important to communicate directly with both of the other mothers. Let them know how upset you were that your daughter was not where she said she would be. In a supportive way, let them know you understand that this was an unusual and difficult situation. Perhaps they thought your daughter had called you. Regardless, let them know that if anything like this happens again, you want them to contact you right away. And assure them that you will do the same. As your daughter moves into her teen years, one of the best safeguards you can implement is ongoing communication with the parents of her friends. This is a good time to start.

Please note that Marti Erickson will be on vacation and her next Growing Concerns columns will continue the week of Jan. 5, 2004. Thank you and Happy Holidays.

--Patty Mattern, University of Minnesota News Service
The Children, Youth and Family Consortium invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 3 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

© 2002 Regents of the University of Minnesota. All rights reserved.