Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: Our daughter (who will enter 4th grade this fall) is extremely shy and slow to warm up to new people. She hardly ever interacts with other children unless they initiate it, although once she does connect with other children she seems to enjoy it. Unfortunately, after she built some good friendships during the past school year, we moved to another town, and she will start at a new school. Should we talk with her new teacher about this problem, or would that bias the teacher against her? (Our daughter does very well in her academic subjects and seems to be a relatively happy child in spite of her shyness.)

Answer: With your daughter entering a new school, it certainly is appropriate and wise to talk with the teacher in advance about both your daughter's strengths and challenges. Even for an outgoing child, finding one's place in a new social network can be difficult. A good teacher will look for special opportunities to help a new student connect.."

I suggest you ask the new teacher how they might pave the way for your daughter's successful assimilation into the new classroom. For example, the teacher might create opportunities for small group learning activities, assigning your daughter to a group of students who are especially warm and open. Or the teacher might invite your daughter and one or two other students to help decorate the bulletin board or plan an activity for the fall open house. Given your daughter's strengths in her academic subjects, she might also be engaged in tutoring a younger student in math or reading. Often a shy child will really shine when reaching out to someone younger.

On your part, help your daughter identify her special interests and encourage her to participate in structured activities outside of school. Especially as children move toward adolescence, out-of-school time becomes an increasingly important part of their learning and social development. As a family, look for opportunities to connect in your new community with other families who have children close to your daughter's age. Through school, your neighborhood, or place of worship, build family friendships around shared interests and activities.

It also may help your daughter to focus specifically on how to initiate social interactions. If she recognizes her own shyness as being limiting--and if she's not too defensive about talking about it--she might be willing to practice through role-playing how to enter into a group or how to invite a classmate to get together after school. Also, give your daughter a chance to talk about her feelings about moving. Leaving a familiar home, school, and friends can be a huge loss to a child this age, and the child's natural grief can make the challenge of getting connected to a new school and friends even more daunting.

With that said, assuming your daughter continues to learn well and remains open to other children's overtures of friendship, you probably do not need to be too concerned. But if her shyness becomes withdrawal (i.e., not responding when classmates reach out to her or disengaging from family), her academic performance slips, or she no longer shows pleasure in her favorite activities, seek guidance from a mental health professional through her school or your health care provider.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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