He's filled with anger. The rage expresses itself in yelling, screaming, violence, and a lack of caring about anything. You're at your wit's end.

The" professionals" have thrown labels at you to explain away or at least justify this child's behavior. Many people have looked for hidden reasons, the basis for this problem, or the underlying cause to no avail.

The "experts" looked hard, did assessments and tests, probed and prodded, did more tests with no clear results as to the explanation for this child's actions. They talked to the child for endless hours only to come away with more questions and still no answers. There was no agreement as to what was wrong. No clear-cut decision as to what must be done.

Behavior was bad and constantly getting worse. Tempers were flaring and not just the child's. Regrettably, all this time distance was growing between parents and child.

Suddenly, the answer was found. But, could it be this simple? Could this be the reason for all this anger? Is this at the heart of the bad behavior? MAYBE!

It was during a period of investigation that it was discovered that this child got almost no physical touch. There was no hugging, no kisses, and no pats on the back or mussing of the hair. No physical - affection shown whatsoever. Sounds strange, doesn't it? Unusual and weird you may think? Rare even, you may decide, but not so. It is we've discovered rather common.

There are certain women among us that cannot tolerate touch. They physically push their kids away and withhold physical touch for a variety of reasons. The number one reason is because they cannot stand to be touched themselves. This fact puts a strain on all relationships, especially those where physical contact is a given. This problem makes it impossible to be a nurturing mother.

Years ago it was discovered that babies in orphanages died due to a lack of physical contact and absence of stimulation. The infants actually sickened and died. Now, we can see how this same problem is affecting the children of these parents today.

Every living being needs physical touch. I feel a sorrow for these moms as they probably never grew up with this all-important touch themselves. They may have been raised without the physical contact that nurtures and now cannot pass it on. They may have been victims of abusive parents or spouses and only know the touch that harms. They have little chance of good physical relationships in their marriage and that problem can spiral down till it affects the whole household. It will certainly affect the relationship and bond they form with their children.

Remember; touch your children every day. Appropriate and loving touch is like wholesome food they need to grow. Hug them daily, kiss kid's goodnight and do it as long as they will let you. With older teens or those kids who have become distant, a pat on their back is a good beginning. Tousling your child's hair is just a small way to show you're caring about them. Some kids really love to be "petted."

Sexually abused kids are hard to approach, but often need good touch more than the others. A sidewise hug to your hips is less intrusive than a regular hug. A quick squeeze of the hand shows caring, but is harmless.

For those of you who cannot give physical attention, start slowly. You may consider seeing a therapist for help with your problem. You are missing out on so much. Force yourself to make a start with quick light touches to hands, fingertips, or shoulders. Remember your child's welfare and very health may be at stake.

© Copyright 2001

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel