Sister's Kids and Mine Don't Get Along

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A parenting question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My sister and I get together often with our kids, who are both almost three. But the kids end up bickering all the time over toys, food--you name it. They seem totally unable to share with each other. Is there anything we can do?

Answer: I can imagine how frustrating it is for you and your sister to deal with this bickering when you're trying to have a nice visit. But three-year-olds are just not mature enough for sharing to come naturally. Young children are by nature self-centered, so they tend to want everything--food, toys, attention--all to themselves, with no regard for the other child's needs. It takes several years of maturation and experience for children to learn to take another's feelings into account. At three, a child is just moving toward the age when they can grasp the concept of sharing. And the idea of sharing and turn taking must be taught by example, guidance and repetition. Even as young children learn the concept of sharing, their own need for power often stands in the way of using what they know. One of the most common ways to establish power is by staking out your turf--you know, "Mine, mine, mine!"

Although it won't happen quickly, there are steps you can take to help the children learn to share and develop compassion and generosity.

In your own interactions with your child, consciously demonstrate and describe sharing. For example, at snack time, say, "Let's share this muffin. Here's a piece for you, and here's a piece for me." Or, when building with blocks, say, "Here, you take a turn and put this one on, then I'll put one on. We're sharing the blocks."
Model sharing in your own behavior with others. At home, look for opportunities to share things with your husband. Or, when you and your sister are together, make it a point to do some sharing, describing it as you do so. Three-year-olds are great observers and imitators!
Recognize and praise sharing behavior whenever you see it. (Or, as I often say, "Catch them being good!") A simple, "Oh, I like the way you're giving your cousin a turn!" will probably make both children eager to get that positive attention from their mother and their aunt.
As the children get older, encourage perspective taking--seeing through another person's eyes. For example, when you see them getting into a battle over something, ask them questions such as, "How do you think he feels when you won't let him play with that?" or "How do you feel when someone won't share their snack with you?" Perspective taking is an important step on the way to genuinely caring relationships with others, in which sharing becomes the natural and comfortable thing to do.

Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.