Son Interrupts Important Work at Home
Question: My husband and I both work outside the home and often end up doing paperwork or taking business calls at home. It seems that the more important the work we're doing, the more our 7-year-old interrupts us and wants our immediate attention. How can we respond to his needs and still keep up with the demands of work?
Answer: The situation you describe is one that creates stress for many parents and children from infancy through high school--I remember it well from when my own children were young. When parents' needs and children's needs clash, it is sometimes helpful to step back and look at the situation through the child's eyes. So, using a technique I've used in earlier columns, I imagined myself in your child's shoes and put those thoughts in a letter. Keep in mind, though, that your son is old enough to tell you himself how he's feeling, so maybe he'd like to write you a letter. Letting him know that his feelings are heard is an important first step in finding strategies that will work for you and him.
Dear Mom and Dad,
When I've been at school all day, I can hardly wait to see you and tell you all about my day. When one of the other kids tells a funny joke, I say it over and over in my head so I can remember it and tell you later. When my teacher writes "Good work!" across the top of my paper, I imagine how happy you'll be when you see it. And when that boy in the other class calls me names on the playground, I think about how you'll help me figure out how to make him mind his own business.
But then sometimes at the end of the day I hardly have a chance to tell you anything. As soon as I start talking, you say, "Ssshhh ... can't you see that I'm busy? I'll talk to you in a minute." And sometimes a minute is an awfully long time. When you're busy cooking dinner or making a phone call or reading your mail, sometimes I feel all wiggly and just want to shout, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm more important than what you're doing!"
My favorite times are when you put down your papers and smile right into my eyes and say, "Tell me all about it." That lets me know that I'm the very most important thing in your life. And then, when I've told you my news for the day, it's so much easier for me to go play on my own while you get your work done. Of course I know that sometimes you can't put your work down right away. At those times it feels good if you pull me in close to you so we can snuggle while you finish what you're doing. It even helps if you set the oven timer to show me how long I have to wait before I get my turn with you. It's not so hard to wait if I know that, when the timer goes off, you'll be ready to hear the things I want to tell you. Also, I like having my own special basket to hold all the stuff I want to show you. It's fun when you take the phone off the hook for 10 minutes after dinner and we just sit down together with my basket for our own show and tell.
As I get older and have more homework and more friends to run around with, I suppose sometimes I won't have much time to talk to you. But together I know we can figure out a way to be sure that we talk--at least for a little while--every day. After all, you've known me my whole life, so it's pretty important that you and I stick together--even when we're busy!
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
