Spanking -- Yes or No?
Question: We are new parents who are being inundated with advice about how to care for our child. The biggest controversy among our friends and family is around discipline and spanking, with plenty of people on both sides of the argument. Where do you weigh in?
Answer: It is wonderful that you are talking about this even before you're at that stage of parenting. As you know, spanking was very common when most of us were growing up, and many people are still convinced that it is a good way to teach children right from wrong. However, a majority of child development professionals today advise against spanking, and recent research provides some interesting information about its effects. Although parents often defend the practice of spanking by saying, "It works," research shows that spanking may be effective in the short run in stopping kids from doing naughty things in front of their parents, but it does not stop them from doing things behind their parents' backs. Most of us would probably agree that a major goal is to raise children who do what is right even when there's no adult around to supervise. Spanking is not the best way to reach that goal. In fact, a recent study by Murray Strauss at the University of New Hampshire showed that children who were spanked were more likely to be aggressive than children who were disciplined without physical force--the opposite of what most parents would hope. This is not too surprising in that spanking can give kids two very negative messages: that hitting is a way to solve problems, and that it's OK for a powerful person to use physical force on a less powerful person. All too often, the spanking is what the child remembers, rather than the behavioral lesson the parent is trying to teach.
So, without spanking, what can a parent do to help children develop positive behavior? There are several important steps you can take to provide the firm guidance and discipline all children need.
Tell the child in clear and simple language what is OK and what is not OK. It is important that expectations are consistent from one day to the next and that the various adults who care for a child agree on what the rules and expectations will be.
Teach the child WHY a behavior is not acceptable. (For very young children, reasons will need to be very simple, e.g., "The stove is hot," or "That hurts the kitty," or "That will break.")
Especially in a dangerous situation (e.g., a child dashing into the street), firmly move the child to safety and use your tone of voice to let the child know how serious the situation is. Assuming that a parent normally speaks in an ordinary tone of voice, rather than yelling and nagging, a raised voice and frown will catch the child's attention. A swat on the bottom adds nothing to the message.
When a child breaks a known rule, swiftly impose a consequence. Depending on the age of the child, appropriate consequences might include a timeout (sitting on a chair for a brief time) or loss of a privilege. If too much time lapses between the mistaken behavior and the consequence, the child will miss the message you're trying to teach.
Finally, and probably most important of all, CATCH THE CHILD BEING GOOD! The most effective child-rearing practice of all is letting children know when they're doing what's right.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
