Spoiling Children - Part 2
In my last Growing Concerns column I gave the first part of a two-part answer to the following question from a reader: "I have a five-month-old boy and a two-year-old daughter and my mom keeps telling me I'm spoiling them. I've read that you can't spoil a baby, but I'm feeling confused by the mixed messages I'm getting. What are your thoughts?" I cited research that shows that babies are NOT spoiled by parents' responding to their cries in a consistent, predictable way. In fact, just the opposite is true: babies who are comforted when they cry actually end up crying less and being more independent and cooperative than babies whose cries go unheeded. Know that, at any age, offering comfort and support is NOT spoiling your child. Children of all ages need to know that their feelings are heard and acknowledged, and that they can count on you as a reliable source of attention, support, and encouragement. With the security they find in their relationship with you, they will be far more ready to meet the world with confidence and enthusiasm.
However, as a baby becomes a toddler, the issue of spoiling takes on new meaning and the challenges to parents change. Beginning in the toddler period and continuing throughout the child's growing years, we adults are there to help them learn the rules and expectations of living in a social world. One of the big lessons children must learn is that they cannot have everything on demand. For some things, they must wait; other things they cannot have at all. Note that these lessons are not taught overnight! They require years of thoughtful teaching, adapted as the child's understanding and abilities increase with age and experience. There are two guiding principles that are especially useful to parents as they help their children learn these powerful lessons:
Limits with Reasons
Whether you are telling a toddler that he can't run into the street because it's dangerous or explaining to a 13-year-old why she can't rent an R-rated movie, it is critical that you state clearly what the limit is and then give a reason in language that the child can understand. The child may not be happy with the limit--and, in fact, it's good to acknowledge that--but, in the long, run he or she is likely to learn and internalize the rule or value you are trying to teach.
Privileges with Responsibilities
To avoid raising children who expect to have the world handed to them on a silver platter (a common definition of a spoiled child!), it is wise to link privileges with responsibilities. For example, a preschooler might not be able to have that new puzzle until she demonstrates that she can take good care of the toys she already has. Or a teenager might be expected to earn money to help pay for a trendy new outfit that he "has to have" for school. In general, it is important to help kids understand that whining and begging are not effective ways to get their way, but that being good citizens will earn them new opportunities and privileges.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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