Strong Marriage
Question: We have an eight-month-old baby who screams every time I walk out of her sight. My husband is always complaining that since we became parents, he and I never spend time together or go out alone, but I just can't pull myself away from the baby. I feel caught in the middle knowing that somebody's always going to be unhappy.
Answer: Many parents find it difficult to take time away from a first baby, especially when the baby's at that stage of crying each time mom moves out of sight. However, it is important--and healthy--for a baby to learn to handle occasional separations. And it is also very important that mom and dad keep their relationship strong. That means making time to be together and to enjoy each other apart from the responsibilities of parenting and household chores. Here are a few ideas that other parents have found helpful in keeping the romance alive while still meeting the needs of a baby:
Start small by having a babysitter come just for an hour--maybe during your baby's naptime or right after you've put her to sleep in the evening--while you and your husband go out for a walk or a quiet cup of coffee.
To help your baby get used to a new caregiver, have the sitter come when you're at home. At first, engage the babysitter in playing with you and your baby together, with the sitter gradually taking the lead. Then venture into the next room to work or read or take a nap while the sitter continues to tend to the baby.
When you do go out, say a warm goodbye, leave behind a comforting object such as a special blanket or stuffed toy, smile and tell your baby, "I'll be back in a while." Although she will cry at first, over time she will learn that you leave her occasionally, but that you always come back and greet her with a smile and a hug.
Make a serious commitment to having quality time with your husband each week. Although it's tempting to use baby's nap time to catch up on housework, promise each other that on the weekend when baby sleeps, you will spend that time doing fun things together--watching a video, playing Scrabble, listening to your favorite music.
Set aside one full evening or afternoon each week for a "date" with each other. If the cost of a babysitter is prohibitive, find another couple to exchange babysitting with. Go out and do some of the things you did together when you first fell in love.
Dads often feel left out of that intimate mother-infant relationship and long for a reminder that they're still important to you. Every so often, surprise your husband with a token of your affection. Send a romantic card to him at his office, put a loving note in his sock drawer, or arrange a surprise lunch with him in the middle of the week. (Once when our children were small and time alone was at a premium, I arranged with my husband's secretary for him to go to a business meeting--but the client was me.)
Recent research shows that children do better when their mothers take care of themselves. Maintaining a close, loving relationship with your husband is an important part of self-care. And in the long run, you and your husband will also be teaching your children a great lesson about the value of a strong marriage.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
