Summer Far Away

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson

Question: My ex-husband has moved to another state with his new wife and the court has granted his request for our 8-year-old son to spend two months with them this summer. Our son has never been away from me for more than two nights, and he barely knows his step-mom. I'm worried about how he'll deal with this long separation. What can I do to make it easier on him?

Answer: You're off to a good start already by asking the right question. Your son is likely to take his cue from you, picking up on your positive, encouraging attitude as he moves on to spend some important time with his dad and develop a relationship with his new stepmom. Since this is his first time away from you for a long period, he probably will experience some homesickness. But, especially since you're planning ahead, there are several things you can do to ease the separation and help him make the most of his time with his dad.

· Because the emotional tone you set will influence his feelings, let your son know that, although you'll miss him a lot, you are glad he and his father will have this special time together. Following a divorce, a child does best when both mom and dad continue to cooperate as co-parents, supporting and encouraging the child's continuing close connection with both parents.

· Although you may be experiencing a range of feelings about your ex-husband's new wife, she now is becoming part of the network of caring adults who will influence your son's development and learning. Prior to the summer visit, do what you can to help her and your son feel comfortable together. For example, encourage your son to have frequent phone conversations with both his dad and stepmom; share news or samples of school work; write a letter telling them about the things he's looking forward to during his time with them; or even make a home video telling them about his life. (Encourage dad and his new wife to reciprocate.)

· When it's time to pack for your son's trip, assist him in packing items that will help him make his space at his dad's house his own. Having a few familiar objects in his bedroom at dad's new house will help him feel more at home.

· Slip a few stamped, self-addressed postcards into your son's bag and encourage him to write you a quick note about the fun things he's doing at dad's. Don't hold your breath waiting to receive the cards! But, whether he writes or not, at least you will have communicated to him in one more way that you expect him to have a good time with his father. (Some children are burdened with the jealous or lonely feelings they expect their left-behind parent to have, so these positive steps on your part can provide important relief.)

· Arrange with your ex-husband for a comfortable frequency of phone calls with your son during his time away. Especially during this first major separation, your son may feel more at ease knowing he can call you whenever he needs to. Often, kids have less of a need to touch base just knowing that they can.

Although you are appropriately focused on your son's needs as you anticipate this separation, no doubt you'll have feelings of your own to deal with (just as your ex-husband must feel a sense of loss that he's not with his son on a day-to-day basis). Post-divorce situations are hard on both children and parents. So make sure you have good supports in place for yourself during the months you and your son are apart. Call friends for a movie or a walk or a weekend getaway. Or make time for those hobbies you seldom can fit into your family schedule. You and your son will both benefit if you're refreshed and relaxed when he comes back home.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.