Do I Really Need One?

Do I Really Need One?

I can say with confidence that going to a support group, if but once, is a wonderful experience. How many times have you asked yourself if you're crazy, or slow, or just plain un-able? Going to a support group is a quick remedy for any emotionally threatening fears you might have about your own mental stability! I'm laughing as I write this, but it's true and I'm not afraid to say it. I love support groups!

Maybe it's just the crossbreed of Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil living inside my head, but going to support groups is a true thrill. I get to look inside other people who've experienced something similar and get a birds eye view of how I'm really handling things.

Some days I walk away thinking, "Wow, I'm not doing so bad!" Other days I walk away thinking, "Geez I'm a real pity partier." Nonetheless, I always walk away with something. Something to laugh about, grow towards, or reflect on.

I admit, I don't go to any one support group on a regular basis. I'm what you call a group hopper. See, I really believe that the group is as good as the leader, and quite frankly, there's a broad spectrum of really good to really bad leaders. Often times it's almost funner to visit the groups with the not so inclined to know what's going on leaders!

But really, what kind of good can a Support Group really do?

The other night I invited a group of birthmothers over for dinner. The night was filled with laughs, tears, and serious reflections. We started talking about support groups when one of them piped up, pretended to be a Movie Star, put her hands on her hips and proclaimed, "I mean really, giving up your baby is SO last year." I don't think any of us have laughed that hard in years. We were discussing the relevance of support groups and the obscure beliefs that non-birthparents have in regards to our recoveries as birthmothers. Another birthmother lifted her arm, checked her watch, rattled her wrist and completely caught up in her acting skills replied with a confused look upon her face, "It's not 24 hours YET is it? Oh man ... I should be totally recovered!"

At that point we all agreed that someone needs to write a really great comedy routine just about being a birthmother. It seems, in this group of women, laughter is a true healing and uniting force. And, plus, it just plain felt good.

Does belonging to a Support Group mean you have to be friends with everyone?

I admit, upon my visiting a support group for the first time I was thrilled at the prospect of making friends with others like me. Kind of like the first day of school. What I discovered however was that because I was new and most of them had already connected to one another, I was going to have a hard time finding my place. At the end of group several of them made plans to go out for a drink while several others talked about something they'd done together in the week prior. There were also two others that seemed, like me, to have no personal ties to anyone else. At first, feeling disheartened, I resigned myself to not connecting to anyone in the group. But shortly thereafter, I took a look around and really thought about it. Would I, outside of this group, have made any attempts at making friends with any of the women? Are they like me? Do we share any other common interest besides adoption? The answer, for me, was no. Did this mean that this wasn't the right support group for me? Not at all. Sometimes, it's nice to have no outside connection to those in support group. There are advantages! None of them knew me. I thought about it longer and harder. And then realized ... I could say anything I needed to say! This is the group I go to when I really have to get things off my chest and don't want to have to worry about how anyone will react to it later.

Am I required to attend every meeting?

No. If you are like me at all, you won't want to. Support groups are in place for when you need them, they are not there to put additional stress or worry into your life. If you're having a great week and don't feel like re-hashing issues or talking about loss and grief, then don't! As a birthmother, your first priority is to honor your emotions at all times. You go when you need to. On average I probably attend a support group once every month, but a lot of that is for research! (Shh ... don't tell.) It's important for me to stay in tune with relevant issues because I did relinquish over twelve years ago and continue to work with birthparents, so I have to know what's going on today.

How do you know if it's a good support group?

There are a lot of little signs to look for, but the most important of all is how YOU feel when you're there. When you are in a good support group you feel comfortable and safe. You will feel welcome. The group leader will have materials available. It should be structured, but not so structured that you're on a time clock during discussion. And to be honest, one of the things that I've discovered to be a universal truth when deciding if the group is a good one? If, when someone begins to cry, she is embraced. I know, it sounds silly. But it's true. I've been in some support groups that when this happens, the girl is just stared at! It gets uncomfortable. A sign of a good support group is SUPPORT. Maybe you're not a hugger and you don't like to be hugged! But you may have other emotions that will turn up that require support. Anger is one of them. If, at any time, you become angry - a sign of a good support group is when everyone else can validate your anger! I was in a support group once and a woman out of the blue just goes, "I'm so pissed off!" And boy was she! She needed to let loose some of her anger so the leader got up, grabbed a pillow and made everyone get in a line and take shots at it. By the time we were all done we were rolling in laughter and tears.

Above all, the most important thing is knowing what you need and supplying that need for yourself. Support groups are a great way to do that. You can visit once, or go for every meeting. You can become friends with people in group, or not! We all know though that the loss and grief of loosing a child is not over in 24 hours nor is it an emotional trend that fades with the years. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.