Talking to Kids about Cancer
Question:
I'm a single mother just beginning treatment for cancer. Doctors say my chances of complete recovery are very good, but I'll lose my hair and probably will feel sick a lot over the next few months. My kids are 9 and 12 years old, and I'm not sure how to talk with them about my illness.
Answer:
The best thing you can do is talk honestly with your children, giving them the same kind of information you just gave me. Tell them that the next few months will be hard for you and them, but that the doctors believe you will be fine after you finish these treatments. If you try to hide information or sugar-coat what you'll be going through, you will undermine the children's trust in you. It also is important to let the kids know you may get irritable at times, but that it's not their fault; when you're tired and nauseated, it's hard to remain cheerful and upbeat.
Encourage your children to ask questions and express their emotions. It's OK for both you and the children to feel sad, frightened or angry, and it's OK to cry. It's also OK to play and laugh, even when things are rough. (Sometimes children feel guilty if they have fun when their family is facing something serious.) Because children's concerns often come out in their behavior, make sure their teachers know what is going on at home so they can be alert to signs that the children need extra support. For example, when children are facing a crisis at home, it is not unusual for them to have trouble concentrating on their schoolwork or getting along with peers.
When a parent is seriously ill, children often worry about who would take care of them if their parent couldn't. So it is a good idea to explain clearly to your children what arrangements you have made for their care in the event that you are unable to care for them. Even when you are well enough to care for them, your children will benefit from having other loving adults actively involved in their daily lives. Encourage friends and extended family members to take the kids out for a favorite activity or a treat. Be sure they know how you have explained your illness and treatment to the children and encourage them to listen supportively if the kids need to vent their concerns.
While you're engaging other adults in your children's lives, engage them in your own as well. Accept all the help you can get during this challenging time, knowing that you will pass it on to the next person who needs special support.
Your health care providers may have other suggestions or informational materials to help you and your children through this time. Many young people also find it helpful to chat online with other children whose parents are going through serious illness. One especially helpful Web site is "Kids Konnected" (www.kidskonnected.org), launched in 1993 by 11-year-old Jon Wagner-Holtz, a California boy whose mother was battling breast cancer (a battle she won, by the way). Since then thousands of children have found support, understanding and helpful information to see them and their families through a tough time. I wish you and your children the very best as you move forward on the road to recovery.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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