Tattling
Question: After we leave our 6- and 7-year-old kids with a babysitter, they each bombard us with tales of how terrible the other has been. "Ashley wouldn't share!" "Jason smeared jam on my favorite doll!" How can we bring the tattling under control?
Answer: Although tattling is a common behavior for children this age, it drives many parents up the wall. Many times, tattling is just a way of trying to get attention, or perhaps a way of making yourself look good by making someone else look bad. But at other times, telling adults about someone's bad behavior is a legitimate way of asking for adult protection and justice. It's not always easy to discern when the complaints are serious and when they are trivial. Assuming that in your family the tattling is going both ways and neither child is really getting hurt by the other, here are some suggestions that may help to reduce the tattletale behavior.
Look for ways to give the kids attention as a reward for getting along with each other. For example, the next time the sitter comes, tell your kids in advance that when you return you want to hear each one tell you about all the nice things the other one did, or all the fun things they did together. Then be sure to follow up when you get home by asking them questions about how they cooperated and played together. And let them know how pleased you are with both of them.
Work with the babysitter to plan a special project or activity (maybe baking cookies or doing an art project) and help each child choose clearly defined tasks to carry out. When you get home, get a report from the sitter (in front of the kids) about how the kids were able to work together. (This also can help the babysitter be more involved with the children when you're gone. Sometimes tattling behavior may reflect the kids' frustration at having to entertain themselves for long periods while a sitter watches TV or talks on the phone.)
Coach your children--and have the babysitter remind them--to tell each other clearly and directly when the other does something they don't like. And teach them effective ways of responding when teased or provoked--for example, ignoring the person or leaving the room. Let them know that if those ideas don't work, then it's time to ask for adult help in solving the problem.
Finally, let your kids know that you want to hear about any really important problems that they have with each other, but that if they tattle about every little thing you hardly know what's serious and what's not. Just like in the old story of the little boy who cried wolf, parents can become so desensitized by constant complaining that they no longer react when a real problem occurs.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
