Teach Our Children Well
Your influence is great.
By providing a warm, nurturing
family environment, you
can maximize your
child's growth.
In a sense, you might compare adoptive parenting to an interfaith marriage. In each, the family confronts issues that other families don't. For example, as an adoptive parent, you will have to deal with matters besides the usual child-rearing ones. But that's nothing you can't overcome.
Adoption has become a common, everyday phenomenon in our society. According to sociologist David Kirk, one out of every five people in this country has some kind of close connection to adoption. They either have a relative or good friend who was adopted, or they have adopted children who were adopted themselves. Although no accurate data exist, estimates are that there is a pool in this country of about eight hundred thousand adoptees under the age of eighteen.
That's five to ten million people!
While children inherit tendencies for all sorts of things, they are just that: tendencies. Environment affects whether those tendencies ever develop. You are not helpless in steering your child in any direction. In fact, your influence is great. By providing a warm, nurturing family environment, you can maximize your child's growth. Delight in your child's differences and talents even if they aren't the same as yours. Who knows...they may be even better...
Most infants, if adopted before the age of nine months - will take to their new parents as if they were born to them, developing an attachment to them, as they would have done to their birth parents. There is no difference.
Children have the right to know all the available information about their origins and about the circumstances that led to their adoptions.
Children should be given this information as they are able to understand it and are able to deal with it emotionally, not as a onetime revelation. Children should be given information in a gentle, understanding way.
Children should not be knowingly deceived, either by what is said or by what is left unsaid.
Children have the right to express their feelings about the information they are given and should be encouraged and supported as they go.
Children have the right to ask questions and express their feelings without worrying that doing so might threaten their relationship with their adoptive parents or birth parents.
Children are not responsible for other people's feelings about each other or about the adoption.
Parents should not wait for children to ask questions but should anticipate the child's needs and look for appropriate opportunities to share information.
When the child is old enough to listen to simple stories, he is ready to hear about the way he or she was born and joined the family. It will go something like this (although the wording may vary slightly depending on the circumstances and whether the adoptive parents or the birth parents are telling the story):
Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby very much, but we couldn't make one that would grow inside mommy. Sue and Bill were going to have a baby, but they couldn't take care of a baby born to them at that time in their lives. Sue and Bill needed a couple who would be great parents. They found mommy and daddy and asked us to be your parents. We were so excited. Our prayers were answered. You grew inside Sue, and when it was time for you to be born, you were born just like every other baby. Then Sue and Bill called us to tell us we had a little boy. We went to the hospital to pick you up. Your birthparents were sad that they couldn't raise a baby then. They cried when you left the hospital with us, but they told us there were happy to have found parents like us to raise their baby. We were sad too, seeing how sad Sue and Bill were. But, we were so excited to have you.
The important part of this story is that the child learns he was born jut like every other child. In the past, adoptees did not always understand this. Since their adoptive mothers didn't give birth to them, they concluded they weren't born-that they were some kind of alien or plagued with the question of "what's wrong with me?" "My birth parents gave me away, I must be weird or something!"
By talking about their birth as a normal occurrence, and by having the opportunity to hear about it from their adoptive parents, children in adoption can avoid feelings of being different.
Allan and I talk about the birth our sons so frequently. It was the greatest experience we've ever had and we can't wait to share it with the boys when they are old enough to understand.
It is important for a child to hear that his birth parents loved him, but it can be confusing to hear that his birth parents placed him for adoption because they loved him so much. As adults, we understand that it takes an enormous amount of love and concern for a birth parent to put the child's needs above her own to raise that child. But there are a lot of children who are loved who are not placed for adoption.
In conclusion, after reading endless books on the adoption process, I can only conclude one thing: adoption and our relationship to it, with it, and for it, is as individualized as we are.
Adoption is a gift and if we, ad adoptive parents, treasure our valuable gift, our children will grow and develop as gifted children.
It is up to us the parents to be honest and comfortable with our children and they will blossom from the warmth and nurturing we exhibit. We must be comfortable with the adoption experience before we can hope that our children will be.
Don't hide or be ashamed that your child is adopted - that will only translate fear and shame to them.
Elements of life are only as comfortable and uncomfortable as we make them. Most importantly, as in all relationships, trust between the adult and the child is essential. Trust is built by being consistent, honest, respectful, and making a child feel safe. Always remember to "teach our children well!"
Credits: Carol Gindi
