An important self-disciplinary skill for parents to teach children is the habit of "thinking twice"- routinely taking enough time for second step thinking when making decisions in life. At issue is helping the child learn responsible self-control.

Consider a child this way. He or she is born a first step thinker. First step thinking is focussed on following impulse and emotion to make decisions that gratify an immediate want. If it feels good, if it seems urgent, if it appears desirable, then the child decides that want should be satisfied right away.

There is nothing wrong with first step thinking. In fact, it is important because it demonstrates the capacities for self-awareness, self-direction, and acting on one's own behalf. However, if all the child learns to do is first step thinking, sooner or later destructive outcomes will occur because other factors such as circumstance and consequence are not taken into account. (Addiction, for example, is a habitual dependency on first step thinking to gain pleasure or to escape from pain.)

Now consider a young child, a four-year-old who keeps grabbing toys away from classmates and hitting when they refuse to let him get his way. Following first step thinking is leading him into trouble with the adult powers that be. In response, his teacher may put him in time-out where he can consider correcting his misbehavior.

So what is the correction for first step thinking? The answer is: second step thinking, or thinking twice. Second step thinking resists immediate temptation and delays action long enough to use judgment, values, and reason to determine what is wise and right. Past and possible consequences to the choice under consideration are evaluated before a final decision to act is made. So the four-year-old may engage in some second step thinking before grabbing and hitting the next time because he doesn't want to be removed from play again. In addition, the teacher suggests an alternative choice in the situation - asking the child who is playing with the toy for a turn, asking that child to share.

So throughout early and late childhood (up to about age 8 or 9), parents are in the business of teaching thinking twice by repeatedly reminding the child of the choice/consequence connection in life, of the importance of considering past and possible consequences to inform present choice. This is the period when parents often use counting systems and earning systems to give the child opportunity to delay want and use judgment in making decisions, to pause to consider consequences before making choice. Counting systems are usually toward a negative consequence. "Before applying this consequence, I will count to three. 'One' puts you on notice that I am serious about what I want you to do. 'Two' tells you that I am running out of patience with your delay. And 'Three' says I will now carry through with the consequence for your refusal." Earning systems are usually toward a positive consequence. "If you do all your chores this week in a timely way, without argument and delay, you will get to do something special this weekend."

Second step thinking has to be taught twice. In childhood the boy or girl must be taught to delay satisfying wants by considering what is wise and right, using judgment to moderate the capacity for impulsive thinking with which he or she is born. By late childhood, most children have learned second step thought.

Come the onset of adolescence (around ages 9 - 13), however, urgency of wants takes over once again. "I've got to have it now or my life will be ruined!" Adolescents are ruled by the tyranny of now. Impatient with restraint and delay, they are often disinclined to reflect on past or possible consequence before making choice. Gratifying want feels more congenial than taking time to consider what is wise. "Just let me go! If I run into trouble, I'll figure it out!"

The difference with re-teaching second step thinking that parents encounter in adolescence is that the teenager already knows how to do it, but peer pressure and worldly temptation make delay for judgment difficult to endure. To make matters worse, some of the old approaches that parents used to teach the child the choice/consequence connection work less well or not at all. The teenager is too old to put up with counting systems (he or she rebels against threat) or earning systems (he or she resents being manipulated by rewards.)

So now, to teach the choice/consequence connection and the use of judgment to moderate wants, parents must rely on two other tactics - letting the teenager learn from consequences, and giving the teenager time to think. Both experiences strengthen the young person's capacity for second step thinking, for thinking twice.

Letting the teenager learn from consequences allows the teenager to appreciate how good choices can have positive consequences (saving now for spending later, working hard now for opportunity later.) It also allows the young person to learn how bad choices can have negative consequences (ignoring safe driving and having an accident, getting arrested for illegal substance possession and facing a judge.) While parents need to praise the use of good judgment in making good choices, they need to allow he teenager to deal with consequences from bad judgment. Rescue the teenager from unhappy consequences of his or her own choosing, and parents only prevent the young person from learning to think twice the next time around.

Giving the teenager time to think means that fatigued, irritated, impatient, or otherwise stressed parents do not "jam" their son or daughter into step one thinking by engaging in step one thinking of their own. When parents act impulsively (shooting from the lip), they encourage an impulsive reaction from their teenager. When parents act emotionally (losing their temper), they encourage an emotional response from their teenager.

However, when parents delay responding to consult better judgment, when parents take time to think, when parents act reasonably and not emotionally, then their teenager is encouraged to imitate their behavior. Those parents who consistently model step two thinking when interacting with their teenager over difficult issues are providing instruction by example that their son or daughter can follow. And they are giving the teenager time and space to think.

Tired parents, angry parents, parents who have been drinking, tend to become step one thinkers, ruled by impulse, want, and immediate gratification now. When parents take time for emotionally sober thought and consult better judgment before acting or reacting, they increase the likelihood their teenager will learn to do the same.

© Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. For permission to use, contact the author.