Teaching Gratitude
As the holiday season gets into full-swing, I have been thinking about how to raise children who carry in their hearts a deep sense of gratitude for small things like a mom and dad who make sure there are clean clothes for school on Monday morning and for big things like the fact that a free public education is available to all. Sadly, one of the things that got me thinking about thankfulness was encountering its absence recently when I met the 19-year-old son of an old friend of mine. From the moment I met this young man he told me one thing after another that was wrong with his life: The dorm food is bad, the bus doesn't run frequently enough, his professors don't explain things clearly, and the kids he meets are all "snobs."
As I listened to him, I had a feeling of deja vu; his behavior took me back 30 years ago to the days when I listened to the same complaints from his mom. From the outside looking in, I see a mother and son who both have much to be thankful for--health, adequate economic resources, intelligence and artistic talent, among other blessings. Yet they are stuck in a cycle of viewing their glass as half empty rather than half full. I don't know for sure where that cycle began for them or what deeper pain and insecurity underlie it. But, as I look around at the families I know, I am convinced that we parents--regardless of our past--do have the power to raise children who recognize their blessings and are grateful for what they have been given. I know parents who are short on material resources and endure great hardship, but they shine with a spirit of thankfulness that becomes a wonderful legacy for their children. Based on what I have learned from these families, here are three tips for raising thankful children. I hope that, in celebration of the season, you'll join me in trying these in your home.
*Be thankful yourself--out loud. Say thank you--and mean it--when a family member does something for you. And for every complaint you utter, also offer at least one thank you. (I'm NOT advocating being a Pollyanna by denying bad feelings; venting can be healthy. I'm just speaking of keeping a balanced perspective.)
*Engage your family in focusing on blessings. At dinner, ask what each family member enjoyed most at school or work that day. Or ask each member to name someone who helped to make their day. Tell each other what and whom you are thankful for today. (Older kids and teens probably will think this is hopelessly corny, so just laugh with them and remind them that parents are supposed to be corny. They'll get the idea anyway.)
*Plan together to give others something for which to be thankful. As a family, reach out to others through volunteer service, working in a soup kitchen, mentoring a child, helping in the church nursery--whatever works for you in your community. The patterns we set in our homes are what our children will carry forward to new places and people. Let's nurture the spirit of thanksgiving all year long.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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