Looking out the window, you see your son approaching. He has someone with him. You never saw this kid before. Your heart swells with pride as you note your son's broad shoulders and tall, muscular frame. He is getting to be quite a young man. Not perfect, but a fairly good student, a good athlete, and for the most part a great kid.

Your eyes fall upon this other kid with your son. He looks rather dirty, unkempt. He has a partially shaved head and torn clothes. You are still too far away, but it looks like a tattoo on his forearm. "Oh my God!" you say as you squint, "Is that really an earring in his nose?" You get away from the window and try to calm yourself. Maybe he is a great kid. Maybe this is just a phase or fad.

They open the door and enter the kitchen, "Mom, I want you to meet Zeke. He's my best friend." You mumble an incomprehensive 'hello.' Looking at him hard, your heart sinks and your dreams seem to suddenly wash away. Take it easy. Take a deep breath.

Many kids our children associate with during the teen years, parents find unacceptable. If you try to break up this relationship you run the risk of alienating your child. This person seems to rise in desirability in direct proportion to your demands that your child stops seeing this friend. The harder you try to keep them apart, the more they will go to great lengths to find a way to see each other.

It is impossible anyway, to separate those who wish to be together, unless we are going to be our child's shadow every hour of every day. Relax. First, we need to ascertain just how bad a kid this is that our son or daughter has adopted as best friend. One way to do this is to encourage this kid to visit your home. I know that seems contrary to what you want to do. This new friend's language may offend you. The way he smells may assault your senses or his manners and habits may be intolerable to your family. Still, this is the best way to make decisions about those your child spends time with on a regular basis. If you don't spend time with them you cannot know what they are really like and if they are unsuitable.

Often, a child will feel uncomfortable with your family and it will become obvious to all concerned that this friendship makes no sense. The problem is solved then. Other times, you may find redeeming qualities in this person and the whole family will change their mind about his suitability. Often, your family will be the best thing that ever happened to this kid. You then have the responsibility of being a mentor or at least a friend with a positive influence on this child.

To avoid all the problems, it is best to teach kids early on, how to choose friends. Parents must not think this means choosing personalities, but making choices according to healthy relationships. We all know that some people of all ages are less compatible to us than others. Some personalities drive us crazy. Others are controlling and overbearing. We all know people who boast and brag too much. There are those who care less about things than they should and that may make us leery of their friendship. If people are careless in their dress and personal habits, their home, their language, etc. you may feel they are unsuitable companions. These people may not be your choice, but some of these things are not so serious that they are reasons to avoid their friendship. It is a matter of personal choice.

On the other hand, some things truly do make a big difference in what makes a great friend. We must teach our kids to search out good companions. Friends should be loyal and not two-faced. Your teen should realize these friends will always be there for them. Teach your teen to find friends that make them feel good about themselves. If a person constantly criticizes, they will make a lousy friend. The perfect friend raises you up, building your self-esteem. The ideal friend makes you feel good, not bad. A person that constantly gives you pain is not a suitable companion. Those that tear down your self-image are harmful to you.

Teach your kids that friends are not controlling, or abusive. Any person that takes freedom away from you in any way is not going to make you happy.

Tell kids a sure-fire way to have a good friend is to be a good friend. Parents should never be a buddy to a kid, but can always be a friend. Showing them an example of friendship can be a valuable lesson. Pointing out those things you like about your own good friends is helpful. Telling them why you first chose your friends can act as a guide when they are considering relationships.

If you have a good relationship with your spouse and a great marriage, everything you do will show kids what to look for in a mate. Kids need preparation for the role of husband or wife so they make fewer mistakes when considering marriage. It is interesting to note that the same traits that make a good friend are vital in a lasting mate.

Teach your teens the importance of respect for each other. Show them how consideration for each other's feelings goes a long way in promoting a strong bond.

Don't forget honesty, sense of humor, and small kindnesses as desirable traits in any relationship.

Try these ideas and the next person your teen drags home may not give you cause for worry.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel