Teasing
Question: In our family's religion we do not celebrate Christmas, but our 9-year-old daughter is being teased relentlessly about this by classmates. She is so upset about the teasing, and about being left out of the holiday fun, that she doesn't want to go to school. We're not sure how to handle this.
Answer: Unfortunately, children often try to make themselves feel special--and enhance their sense of belonging--by making fun of people who are different. But it is the job of teachers and parents to help children learn to accept and understand different religions and cultures, especially in our increasingly diverse schools and communities. I would urge you to talk with your daughter's teacher to let her know about the teasing and to encourage him or her to take steps to promote greater tolerance in the classroom, without singling out your daughter in a way that is embarrassing. Maybe the teacher will welcome a suggestion to spend some class time discussing--and celebrating--the ways different religious and cultural groups honor their beliefs and traditions.
If your daughter is comfortable with the idea, you might offer children's books that illustrate your family's beliefs, or perhaps bring a sample of a favorite dish from your own traditions. Perhaps there are other children in the classroom who could bring examples from their cultural or religious practices, too. If not, the teacher certainly could find material in the library documenting other groups that are a part of your larger community. The teacher may want to send a note home to the students' parents so they can reinforce with their children how important it is to respect other people's beliefs and traditions.
In the meantime, at home you will need to be available to listen to your daughter and acknowledge her feelings. Assure her that the teasing does not mean she's done anything wrong--or that her religion is anything to be ashamed of. It just means that her classmates have a few things to learn about the freedom of religion that is a foundation of our society. In language your daughter can understand, remind her of the beliefs that underlie your family's practices. If possible, get together with other parents and children who share your beliefs and talk about how to deal with feelings of exclusion at a time when so much attention is focused on Christmas.
And finally, when others are caught up in their holiday preparations, use this time to create special opportunities to do special things as a family. Read together, make favorite foods, play family games, or visit a children's museum--whatever activities your daughter most enjoys with you. Of course you can't just snap your fingers and put an end to your daughter's hard feelings about the teasing. But she will come to understand and value her own family's traditions and her parent's steadfast love and concern.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
