Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson

Question: Every time our sixteen-year-old daughter goes out we seem to get into a battle over what time she has to be in. She tells us that we're stricter than all the other parents, that she can never have any fun, and that it's embarrassing to be the first one coming home. We're not sure what's a realistic curfew or how to enforce it without being the "bad guys."

Answer: Curfews can easily become a battleground for parents as their teenagers strive for increasing control over their own lives. Certainly parents need to be in charge, providing the limits and guidance that keep teenagers safe and healthy. But, it helps if young people feel that they have a voice in decisions. These guidelines were helpful in our family as we worked together to determine reasonable curfews for our kids:

· Instead of having parents declare an arbitrary curfew, parents can first ask their children what they feel is a reasonable time for them to be home, considering all the circumstances of where, when, and what the young people will be doing. In the long run, this helps teens learn to be responsible, reasonable, and considerate. (In our family we found that when we let the kids suggest a curfew, it often was an earlier time than we might have set.)

· Talk with other teens and their parents about what is reasonable. This is important, especially when the problem seems to be that "all of the other kids can stay out later." If parents and kids decide together on some community rules, then no one needs to feel embarrassed because their parents are stricter than others.

· Have clearly set rules and expectations that everyone in the family understands. One of our family rules was that the kids would always let us know where they'd be and when they planned on returning. In the rare case where one of the kids had a problem making it home on time, they knew they could call us without getting in trouble. Now, as our kids look back on their teens, they say they knew we trusted them and so they did not want to betray that trust. And, although they may not always have understood it at the time, they say they know that the reason we set a curfew was because we cared about them and their well-being. A curfew is not a punishment.

· Check into whether your town has curfew laws for kids your daughter's age. Parents need to be aware of, and support their children in being respectful of, these laws. To accommodate the fact that many teens are night owls, parents might host late-night get-togethers -- maybe for videos and pizza -- at home. This gives teens the chance for late-night fun, in a safe place, within the rules of the community.

Through all of your teens' striving for control and independence, remember that young people thrive when they know that parents care enough to set limits. In the short-run, we may not win a popularity contest. But, in the long-run, our kids will know that we had their best interests at heart.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.