Teen Rejects Religion
Question: We are very active in our church, but lately our 14-year-old daughter has been unsure she's a believer and says church people are hypocrites. We're very distressed about this, but we don't want to drive her further away by forcing the issue. What do you advise?
Answer: Adolescence is a time of determining who you are, and finding an identity that incorporates what you've learned from your parents. But that also allows you to be your own person. In the early teens there is a tendency to focus on the ways you differ from your parents, and it's not unusual to rebel in the areas that are most emotionally loaded. You already recognize that forcing an issue only pushes teens further away. The challenge for parents is to be there with unwavering love, guidance and an attitude that acknowledges that each individual (even our child) ultimately must decide his or her own way.
In regard to religion, it is not possible to make someone believe; furthermore, beliefs never questioned may be very shallow. Strong faith and conviction often come through a process of questioning, challenging, and ultimately claiming them for our own. Teens need safe places to ask hard questions, knowing they will not be criticized for asking. In my adolescence, my family belonged to a church that was sometimes dogmatic and intolerant of questions, but I remember with deep gratitude the Sunday school teacher who allowed me to turn my faith and the church's teachings inside out. He never badgered me, but let his own faith shine through in a way that made me want what he had. And he was there every step of my questioning journey.
That wise teacher was rare. Teenagers are often harsh judges of adult behavior, and, realistically, we adults give them plenty to criticize. As adults, we are wise to acknowledge our human failings rather than deny or defend them--and then to let our kids know how our religion helps us define standards and find the strength to bring our lives more closely in line with those standards.
There are no shortcuts through adolescence, although many parents wish there were. As with all teenagers, your daughter will make her decisions about religion and many other significant matters in her own time. Your love, support and example of faith in your own life are the best gifts you can give her during this important time in her development.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
