Teenagers Privacy
Question:
Our 13-year-old daughter spends hours and hours in her bedroom with the door closed. Is this normal teenage behavior? It doesn't seem healthy, but we're not sure how much to push her to come out and be with the family.
Answer:
Although teenagers often retreat to their bedrooms for privacy, you're absolutely right that too much time behind closed doors is not healthy. What is your daughter doing when she's in her room? Is she reading, sleeping, or listening to music? Is she on the computer, talking on the phone with friends, or watching TV? Today many households have a TV in every bedroom, not to mention other electronic gadgets that serve to isolate family members from one another. If that is the case in your household, start by moving some of those gadgets out of the bedrooms and into a shared space such as a living room or den.
Have a straightforward talk with your daughter about your need to have more time together as a family. Engage her in deciding with you how to strike a balance between the need for quality time together and individual time alone. For example, you might agree that she could have an hour to read or rest in her room after school as long as she joins the family for dinner and an evening bike ride or other shared activity. Or perhaps on days that she has after-school activities or social plans, she would be free to hang out in her room after she's had dinner with the family and helped with the dishes.
Sometimes, too much time spent alone in the bedroom signals boredom. If your daughter is not involved in school or community activities, help her identify areas of interest and find classes or organizations that will help her develop her skills in the arts, sports, a foreign language, or whatever sounds appealing to her. At 13, children are just beginning to establish a sense of identity and can benefit greatly from opportunities to explore a variety of interests.
Furthermore, developing areas of competence--playing the flute, kicking a soccer ball, or making homemade pizza--provides a great boost to self-esteem at an age when most kids really need it. Think also about what your daughter can contribute to her community. There are countless opportunities for young people to volunteer through community organizations or places of worship, reading to toddlers, visiting residents in nursing homes, or helping organize food or clothing for families in need. Not only do such volunteer activities provide a real service to the community, but they foster important life skills and confidence in the volunteer.
If, after your best efforts, your daughter continues to seek long periods of time alone in her room, she might be depressed. If her school performance has slipped, her friendships have changed, and she lacks interest in things that ordinarily would be fun or exciting for her, you should seek guidance from a mental health professional. Teens thrive when they stay connected to family, school and community. Too much isolation can be both a symptom and a cause of emotional problems and, as such, should be taken seriously.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
