Teens and Tattoos
Question: Our daughter and her friends recently got their bellybuttons pierced, and now our daughter wants a tattoo. She's always been upbeat and responsible, but we're worried that these body decorations might signal a change. How should we respond?
Answer: Every generation seems to find ways to shock the previous one with clothing, hairstyles and various flamboyant fads and behaviors. For this generation, piercings and tattoos have many parents screaming for help. How far is too far? When is something just a harmless fad, and when is it dangerous? When should parents grit their teeth and let kids make their own choices? When should they put their foot down and say enough is enough?
There are several things to consider as you think about how to respond to your daughter. Age is a key factor in determining whose decision this is. Is she old enough that the choice really is her own, regardless of your opinion? Does she have her own money to pay for these "decorations"? What appears to be her motive in getting a tattoo? Conformity to peers? Artistic expression? Rebellion toward you? And what else is going on in your daughter's life? Have you noted significant changes in her behavior, attitudes, school performance or social relations? In combination with other changes in behavior, tattoos and piercings may be signs of underlying depression or other emotional problems requiring professional help.
If you're not observing other changes in your daughter's attitude and behavior, then you probably have nothing serious to worry about--no matter how much you dislike the idea of the tattoo. However, if she's young enough that the decision is still yours, you shouldn't feel pressured to give up your parental authority just because tattoos are a current fad.
Assuming there are no other signs of problems in your daughter's life, here are some general tips for dealing with the tattoo or other fads that make a parent's hair stand on end:
Know where you stand and why. For example, you may decide that because of its relative permanence and the risk of infection, a tattoo is too far over the line. Or, you may decide that as long as it's not where you have to see it every day, you can live with it. It's up to you to determine your own position and to know why.
State your position and reasons calmly and clearly. Without slipping into an emotional, judgmental stance, let your daughter know exactly what you think. To the extent possible, provide information to back up any concerns you have (e.g. information on health risks associated with tattoos; cost and procedures for removing tattoos if she should "outgrow" it).
Exercise the control that is yours. Depending on her age, this may mean just saying no. Or, if she is old enough to make the decision herself, you may control the purse strings, letting her know that if she chooses to get a tattoo it's up to her to pay for it.
Love your daughter no matter what. She is bound to do things you don't like, but with your steadfast love and support she is not likely to stray too far.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
