Temper Tantrums: What Causes Them and How Can You Respond?

Why Do Children Have Tantrums?

Temper tantrums can be frustrating and embarrassing for parents, especially when they occur in public places. Parents may find it helpful to remember that tantrums are often an expression of frustration for the children. Preschoolers, in their eagerness to control the world around them, may want to be more independent than their skills or safety allow (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). They may also have trouble expressing their feelings in words and therefore resort to a temper tantrum during which they act out their frustration and anger by crying, whining, shrieking, or pounding their hands, legs, and head on the floor. Temper tantrums can occur because a child is tired, hungry, or feeling helpless. Children may also throw tantrums to get an adult's attention, to get their own way, to hurt back if they feel hurt, or to get others to leave them alone (Nelsen, Lott, & Glenn, 1993, pp. 305-307).

While it is not possible to prevent every tantrum, the frequency of tantrums may be decreased by making sure your child does not get overtired, overly anxious, or unnecessarily frustrated. Children who do not nap may be particularly prone to tantrums and often need a quiet period on a daily scheduled basis, when a parent or caregiver might lie down with him or read her a story. In addition, children whose parents are overly strict or who fail to set limits tend to have more frequent and severe tantrums (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). Thus, it is important to be firm about the limits that are set and respond similarly each time your child violates a rule. This strategy includes making sure that every adult who cares for the child observes the same rules and disciplines him or her in the same way.

How Can Parents and Caregivers Respond to Tantrums?

When your child has a temper tantrum, it's important to try to remain calm (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). Loud, angry outbursts may encourage your child to imitate your behavior. If you shout "Calm down," you will probably make the situation worse. It is often scary for children to lose control of their emotions, so it is important to stay in control (Samalin & Whitney, 1996). Seeing you lose your temper will only make it harder for your child to regain his, and will likely frighten him as well.

Strategies for dealing with temper tantrums

1. One way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it (Nelsen, Lott, & Glenn, 1993, pp. 305-307). Either stand quietly and wait until it's over, or exit the scene. This might mean leaving a mall or a checkout line and taking your child to your car to calm down. By removing yourself from the scene, the tantrum will likely disappear, since many of your actions if you stay in place may only serve to prolong the tantrum. The general rule is: the more involved you are, the longer the tantrum will last (Brazelton, 1992, pp. 154-156). You might say when you return, "I'm sorry I can't help you more. I'm still here and I love you."

2. If you are not able to leave the child alone for safety reasons or because of your situation (e.g., on an airplane), gentle restraint or holding the child may comfort him (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). It is important to be calm and soothing with your child. However, you should not attempt to reason with your child at this point, as logical explanations are unlikely to be heard through the screams (Samalin & Whitney, 1996). You should also not change your "no" to a "yes" to get your child to be quiet. Letting your child have what she wants may solve the immediate problem, but if she learns that throwing a tantrum will help her get her way, she is bound to try it again.

3. If your child is physically out of control, move him to a place where he can thrash around without damaging anything or hurting himself, such as a rug or a bed (Brazelton, 1992, pp. 154-156). In most cases, however, he will stop before he loses control.

4. Depending on your child's age, try to use distraction (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). For toddlers, unless the child is overtired or extremely irritable, distracting her may end the tantrum. You might say, "Look at what the dog is doing," or "Let's see what's over here." It is important to remember not to laugh or make light of your child's behavior as you can humiliate and make the child feel ashamed of losing control of his emotions.

5. When you see a tantrum start, put it into words (Sears & Sears, 1995). A child who is "losing it" (or is about to) can calm down remarkably fast when she hears her exact feelings coming from your mouth. When this happens the tantrum ceases to be necessary. For example, your child wants something (a story, the toy someone else has, to go outside...) right now. As the tantrum kicks in, you calmly say, "It's hard to wait. You wish we could do it (or get it, or go) right now." Hearing feelings being put into words is the best way for children to learn how to put their feelings into words themselves, rather than exploding.

While occasional temper tantrums during the preschool years are normal, they should become less frequent and intense by the middle of the fourth year (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993, pp. 502-504). However, it is not unusual for a child to have a temper tantrum when he or she is older, particularly if there have been unusual changes in the child's life or recent stress. Between tantrums, you might talk to your child about other ways to handle frustrations (Nelsen, Lott, & Glenn, 1993, pp. 305-307). This includes teaching her how to tell you in words how she feels instead of using emotional displays. It is also important to note when the tantrums are occurring and attempt to avoid those situations that seem to precipitate them (e.g., grocery shopping). Or, if tantrums seems to occur at dinner or bath time, maybe you can try to create a new routine. Be sure, however, to involve your child in deciding on this routine, because the more you can involve your child in decisions that affect him, the less he will feel the need to use tantrums to have some input (Nelsen, Lott, & Glenn, 1993, pp. 305-307).

Sources

American Academy of Pediatrics. (1993). Caring for your baby and your child: Birth to age 5. New York: Bantam Books.

Brazelton, T. Berry. (1992). Touchpoints: Your child's emotional and behavioral development. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.

Nelsen, Jane.; Lott, Lynn; & Glenn, Stephen. (1993). Positive discipline: A-Z. Rocklin, CA: Prima Publishing.

Samalin, Nancy, & Whitney, Catherine. (1996, April). Meltdown! Staying in control when your child falls apart. Parents, 71(4), 55-56.

Sears, William, & Sears, Martha. (1995). The discipline book. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.