Teenagers have a deficiency of values and skills that prevent them from bridging the gap between childhood and adulthood. Children have not developed in areas necessary to becoming successful adults.

It is sad to see "soon-to-be adults" unable to use common sense. A lack of common sense is a very dangerous thing and causes a large majority of problems in all ages.

Young people often don't have the most basic knowledge about household matters, sex and the law. Without the information that most of us take for granted, it is tough to succeed.

Years of teaching teens showed us a break down in the transfer of information from parent to child. While working with them, we witnessed an appalling lack of sanitation standards, a missing work ethic, and confusion about right and wrong.

Our job included teaching life skills to teens. It became apparent that these skills were not learned at home. We developed a system to teach lessons, which included those things necessary to the production of functional adults. If kids are to make it in the "real world", preparation must take place.

Cooking and budgeting are important, but more vital are seldom taught areas such as ethics and common sense. One of the worse problem areas for kids is in relationships. A sense of family is another area that needs attention if the family, as we know it, is to survive.

Young people can make drastic mistakes resulting in miserable lives. So frustrated with assuming an "adult role", we've seen teens become suicidal. They can't cope. Becoming an adult is a wonderful, but terrifying experience for most kids. They need help, so prepare the way.

Enlightened parents still teach their children life skills. To these parents I say, "Well done." you are helping to produce adults that are functional and happy.

I have focused on ten areas that will help the average teen and the ones most easily taught by parents.

Cooking and Household Chores:

Cooking is almost a lost art. The advent of fast food and convenience foods means fewer people cook. They don't know how, or are too busy. Before working moms and convenience foods, children were taught how to cook. Today, this does not happen.

Shock sets in when young folks realize they must feed themselves. If their budget would allow, they would live on fast foods. Of course a steady diet of fast food would be unhealthy.
One joy of life is food well prepared. You don't need to be a gourmet cook. Simple, good food is wholesome, appetizing and economical. Cooking from scratch is a fun way to get needed nutrition. Families should start preparing meals together when children are young.

We have seen kids eat food still frozen and even spoiled because they haven't a clue how to prepare "real food". Young grocery clerks cannot tell the difference between cabbage and lettuce. We had foster kids who never saw broccoli or never ate fruit. Parents need to introduce a variety of foods.

Household chores are an unbelievable area needing help. Here, you really need a sense of humor. At some time, most kids were shown how to do household chores. When they leave the nest, however, they shed any notion of cleanliness they ever had. Correctly making a bed remains a mystery. Tell them to clean their bathroom, they reply, "Oh gross. Yuck! How do they think it got that way and what miracle are they waiting for so it is no longer gross or yucky. Some can't even use a broom. These are simple things every kid should know.

Many kids appear to go directly from children to slobs. Somewhere before adulthood, they need to learn the principle, "Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy. In all fairness, some teens do an excellent job of keeping house; unfortunately, these are the exception to the rule.

Budgeting:

How many of us credit card dependent, living-beyond-our means, paycheck to paycheck, money handlers were taught how to budget?

Learning to budget begins with childhood allowances. Parents should not pay for chores we expect children to do as "citizens of the household". Compensation for extra or special tasks is a chance for the child to experience a reward for a job well done. The task should be explained and the child given a choice if he wants to do it. (This is not the method for jobs a child must do anyway.) Pay should be negotiated before the child starts and paid immediately after the child finishes to your satisfaction. Keep in mind the child' abilities and age so expectations are appropriate. Earning money should be connected with work.

Next, try to "guide" the child on how to care for this money. There should be no strings attached, but you can still advise. Don't force. If your child wants to spend the whole $5.00 on candy and eat it all, allow it. Getting an upset stomach and being broke will teach a better lesson than you could dream up.

Teach children the value of saving. Take them with you when you deposit savings. Explain why you save. Show them what you are saving for if possible. Help them set their own goals. These steps will help them develop good money management skills for the future.

Work Ethic:

Few adults have a well-defined work ethic. They never were taught its value. Teens we've known consider work a disgusting four-letter word. They hate it, they fear it, they avoid it. We met teens that worked harder than adults did. That was a refreshing change.

"Real work" has gotten a "bad rap" since welfare and easy money. We used to be told, "to eat, we must work". At one time, we heard about the satisfaction in a good day's work. People said that jobs in creative fields didn't pay well, but brought fulfillment. Creative careers are rarely pursued because they aren't lucrative, but God-given talent should never be wasted. You seldom hear phrases like "labor of love" or "we stand behind our work". Amount of money earned replaced pride in a job well done. Integrity in the workplace is lost.

Children were once taught "there is honor in all work". Now, they see folks living well who don't work at all. Only professional, high paying jobs have status. We cannot all be doctors and lawyers, nor should we. Those who work with their hands are looked down upon. Why is that? It is also a skill.

Once nobleness of mind and love for humanity led to certain professions. Now, these professions are peopled with those who chase the dollar.

We need to bring back the work ethic. We need to explain it to our children. The work ethic means spending the entire day in useful enterprise. It is giving a days work for a days pay. It does not mean abusing breaks, or being unavailable to work when that is what you are getting paid for. It is the willingness to do your best for your employer. It means no work is too menial. Someone must work every job. There is a need for all work. Teach your kids if they are unwilling to work, life will be boring and hard.

Relationships:

One of the hardest lessons to teach is relationship skills, luckily they are the easiest to show. Good relationships are learned at home in families who respect each other. In loving families, getting along with others is natural. Children see adults make decisions and work out differences. They learn give and take. They see adults take criticism with grace and good humor. Bad or good, children will imitate, like sponges they absorb everything. So deal with relationships in your lives, as you would have your children do. When your family serves as a good example of how to get along, you can easily tackle the problem your child encounters when victimized by callous people outside the safety of the family.

Teach kids what it means to be a good friend. Introduce them to your friends. Tell kids why these people are good friends, what you like about how they treat their friends. Talk to an older child about desirable traits in a good mate. Hopefully, he will see those very things in both parents. This talk is helpful if done early enough. We've seen kids make terrible choices.

When a friend, a date or a mate is chosen, bite your tongue rather than criticize. Don't forbid relationships. Advise and gently guide, then back off. The unwritten law says the attraction for the person they've chosen will be in direct proportion to the degree to which you disapprove. I'm not saying let your child ruin his life while you stand idly by, but give him a fair chance to discover for himself what kind of a person he has chosen. If you scream, shout, forbid and interfere, it won't matter and the parent will always lose. Eventually, with help and guidance, your child will develop a more discerning eye.

Knowledge and Respect for The Law:

If ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law, shouldn't we know those laws? As a nation, we are un-informed. When media reports some possible changes in the law, it is difficult to keep up with the laws' status. We should, however, be aware of the more common laws and those of long standing.

Young people walking on the wrong side of the law know the laws as well as their lawyers. For them the problem is no respect for the law. We can trace this lack of respect back to the parents. It was born in that wonderful teacher, example, which works both ways.

Among young people, there is a feeling of immortality. They believe they are untouchable. This thinking allows them to experiment with drugs, believing they cannot become addicted. It means the sexually active have no fear of pregnancy or Aids. This reasoning applies to their attitude toward the law. They boast," I won't get caught." They reason, "I'm too young to be put in jail, nothing will happen to me." They are wrong. Many states, now judge youth as adults. The trend is for stiffer sentences and less chances. There is a low tolerance for repeat offenders. We detain teens in "real jails", in some areas. Work service and restitution programs were so often abused they are no longer an option in some communities. Those who regularly and casually break the laws are finding it harder to "beat the system".

Teach young children they should not steal. Expect them to "make good" on things they willfully destroy. Show by example that you take the law seriously. Parents, teach children that lawlessness is just plain wrong. Obey the laws yourself. Tell them in order to be free, we must have law and order.

Sexual Responsibility:

Since sex became just another social activity like going to the movies or going skating, problems have developed with sexual responsibility.

Although parents and others advise teens to abstain from sex, they are not receiving the message. We should continue to deliver that message with another one. "Sexual activity means sexual responsibility".

Sexual responsibility means avoiding sex for kicks. Tell them sex should be preceded by love. Often, teens we worked with didn't even know their partner's names. Teach that meaningless sex is rarely satisfying and leaves you with emptiness and guilt.

They need to know when you choose to engage in sex you fall prey to real problems. Problems could be physical, financial, or emotional. Pregnancy, Aids, and other venereal diseases are among physical problems they could encounter. Sensitive teens are unprepared for the emotional damage following casual sex. Unplanned pregnancies cause financial burdens. You could be giving up 18 years of your life, in enforced adulthood.

The mixture of sex and chemicals sometimes results in rape. Teens still don't understand that "no means no" regardless of what stage sex has reached. What should be an expression of love turns into a tragedy. Drugs also cloud your mind. Kids are more likely to use poor judgment when their inhibitions are lessened.

Birth control has been over preached and is getting few results. Teens believe they are immune to this practice. A different approach may be to stress using contraceptives is the mature, sophisticated way to act. Other messages are failing.

Responsibility is being committed to your partner. If carelessness results in the birth of a child, both partners must be committed to that child also. Both parents must be responsible for its physical, emotional and financial needs.

Sexual activity starts earlier and earlier. Teach children while young before it's too late. The biology lesson all parents hate to give accompanied by a lesson on emotions and love will produce more responsible adults. Recently, I've heard of a nine -year- old girl in childbirth class. Don't wait too long.

Respect For Life:

Is it my opinion or do some young people have little respect for life? Can we blame this callousness on a steady diet of media violence? Does this lack of sensitivity originate in the family? What is the cause?

Whoever is the culprit, many teens are hardened and unfeeling. This attitude is aimed at everyone, even children and animals. There's an intolerance of different religions, races and sexual orientation. Crime doesn't outrage youth; they laugh about injury or death. They're not moved to tenderness for the "abused" even when they were victims themselves. They cheer at "gay bashing" or "racial violence". Mistreated animals don't impel them. They've lost their respect for life.

This feeling is apparent in their reckless driving, chemical use, and marathon sexual activity. Their attitude toward death is unrealistic. Their motive - "life's short, let's get it over with". The old philosophy about dying young and beautiful is back. Can parents change this attitude? Start teaching children life is good and we are lucky to be alive. Show them you really feel that way. A strong faith helps immensely.

I cannot tolerate children's cruelty to animals. Don't allow it. Now, kids are killing kids, just to see how it feels. Where did we go wrong? Working with youth for more than 30 years hasn't prepared me for this unnatural, uncaring attitude. These are "normal kids from good homes". Have we shown them it is wrong to feel?

Suggestions:

1. Don't allow children to mistreat pets; that is only one short step from hurting people.

2. When a child injures another, require him to apologize.

3. Teach children a reverence for all living things.

4. Explain feelings as well as bodies can be hurt.

5. Teach them no one deserves to be harmed.

6. Help them to recognize that regardless of differences,
we have a right to expect not to be hurt.

7. Show children the joy of life.

There are children who are kind, sensitive and caring. Let's increase their numbers by making this lesson our prime goal. It could be the most important lesson you teach.

Difference Between Right and Wrong:

Right and wrong were once different as black and white, now many issues are grey. The line separating good and bad was once definite, now borders are muddled. Kids see so few folks stand up for what is right, that the concept of right means nothing to them. People around them often condone the "wrong thing", how can we expect them to make correct choices.

We expect youth to aspire to greatness, but they find no heroes. We want them to be noble, but they don't see an example of a living idea that "it's a matter of principle" exhibited.

In the past, we respected those who were honest, fair, and caring. Now, we respect those who earn the most money while exerting the least effort. We used to value integrity, kindness and patience, now we value flawless looks and firm bodies.

When we teach youngsters how to tie their shoes or eat with a fork, we need to teach ethics. Rearing children used to include teaching it is wrong to steal, lie, or hurt others. Children didn't take what wasn't theirs. They wanted to please their parents by being good. Most of us taught children a personal code of ethics based on the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. It is still necessary.

Today's' world confuses issues, but wrong and right is still the same. One area that's confusing all of us is personal rights in relation to human rights. When abortion is considered a woman's right, when a criminal's right exceeds those of the victim, it is tough to understand. Kids see working people have less than those on welfare. It's easy to see how they develop a skewed outlook. Looking around, they don't understand, frankly, neither do I.

We need to teach children how to ascertain right from wrong. Help them understand that human rights should come first, individual rights second. Help kids develop their own personal code of ethics.

Sense of Family:

Do you wonder why gangs and cults succeed? It's because they fulfill a need in young people. Missing or indifferent families create a void. Cults and gangs fill up this space. They provide that sense of family, a place to belong.

Families are unique, each having something to pass on. Kids with families feel special. To give kids a sense of belonging, include them in every family celebration and event. Extended families should take part whenever possible.

Closer families can be achieved by eating meals together. Our foster kids were always expected to eat supper with us. This was our time to "eyeball" each kid. While sharing the day's events, deepest thoughts were sometimes revealed. We would reschedule meals, rather than not eat together.

We taught family with every holiday. Given the choice to spend it with their family or ours, foster kids often chose ours. They said it was because "We made a big deal of it." We sometimes included their natural families in our celebrations. To this day, our grown children "keep the holidays well."

For a sense of continuity, trace the family tree with your children. They like the idea of being a member of a growing series of humans. At first, they may not be too interested, but soon they will be touched by the individuality of "their family." What a blast to discover their very own freckles on a portrait of great grandfather. Finding that their uncle played a guitar or was an avid fisherman just like himself or herself is exciting. They feel part of the big picture. Ancestors become real people, linked to their own life. An acute sense of who you are builds self-esteem.

The family should be a valued support system. In the past, Chinese families lived together in separate, but adjoining houses. Raising the children and caring for the aged was a family responsibility. "Older honored ones" and mentally ill were kept at home. There were no institutions or orphanages. They supported and helped each other. Older family members taught younger ones. It was that way in our own families at one time.

Today, some kids don't even know their grandparents. Extended families are often separated by many miles and sometimes by choice. Newly "melded" families need score cards to keep straight the increasing cast of relatives.

Somehow, problems must be overcome. We need strong families again. We must give youth the feeling of belonging and the "sense of family". Otherwise the streets will.

Common Sense:

There is a deficiency of common sense among youth. Teaching this will be a tough challenge. We've worked with intelligent, well-educated people of all ages, who lacked common sense. It's an obvious problem that crosses classes. Children inherit it.

Kids can't think. Schools teach the process, but kids find shortcuts. Cheating or relying on others enables them to pass classes and score high on tests, without disturbing their brain.

Young people are smarter than ever before. They can speak several languages, are computer wizards and even can build bombs, but they can't make a decision.

Teens possess poor judgment. An example of this is their choice of friends and lovers. Emotions shoo away common sense. Show them disloyalty and they refuse to see it. Feed them any line, they will buy it, if it keeps them from thinking.

Common sense should warn of danger, teens ignore it. Knowing they will get caught, they still do crime. Going 'coatless' in wintertime shows no common sense, but is usually not life threatening. But what about the young mother who doesn't know what to do when the new baby chokes.

Once kids, new to our area, were given a list of addresses to find to help acquaint them with the city. They returned, unable to find some because they didn't realize odd addresses were on the opposite side of the street from even ones in our town.

We've seen teens panic when they ran out of bathroom tissue. Others had no clue how to defrost meat. Some can't make change or follow directions on medicine bottles. We had a young couple expecting a baby, express horror that the labor -sized- vagina would not return to normal. They must have missed that day in sex-e.d. These are only a few of the situations we encountered. The problem is huge.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Teach kids how to handle problems by making a "Franklin List, where you list all the pros and cons of every decision.

2. Introduce them to the library, phone book or atlas to find information.

3. Show them how to access community resources, since you won't always be there.

4. Young children need to know how to locate parents and repeat parent information to others. Some don't even know mom or dad's first names.

5. Teach them how to dial 911 and report any emergency.

6. Show older ones how to use simple tools and handle procedures such as turning off a broken water pipe.

If we expect young adults to be fully functional, they need to know how to use their common sense.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel