Tension and Adolescent Daughter
Question: Over the last few months my 12-year-old daughter and I have gotten to the point where we can't be in the same room without getting into an argument. We've always been close, but now she thinks that everything I say or do is either mean or stupid. How can we recapture that warm mother-daughter relationship that we used to have?
Answer: One of the closest--but also most conflict-ridden--of family relationships is that between a mother and her adolescent daughter. Even in the most healthy families, tension between mom and daughter is common. Moms and daughters often have had an intimate, emotionally expressive relationship; so, as the daughter prepares to go out on her own, she may need to push hard to make that necessary separation. Sons also separate, but may be more likely to do that by going off with their buddies or channeling their energy into activities. Girls, on the other hand, often use words and emotions to actively engage mom in working through the separation. As necessary as this process is, it's not much fun for mom--or daughter, for that matter.
Having survived this stage not long ago with my own daughter, I asked her to join me in coming up with suggestions for how to weather these adolescent storms and still come through with a relationship of love and joy. (We hope you'll be encouraged that we could sit down and talk about this in a calm way. A few years ago that would not have been likely.) Here's what we think are the keys.
Agree to really listen to each other's feelings. As parents, it's tempting to try to convert kids to our point of view, but often a teenager just needs to be heard. When we respect them enough to listen, they are more likely to listen to us.
Let your daughter know that you trust her to make good decisions. (My kids both tell me that when they knew I trusted them, they felt compelled to live up to that trust.)
When you see your daughter going in the wrong direction, express concern and offer guidance, then back off and give her a chance to think about what she'll do. As kids get older, we can't force them to do what we want--we can only encourage them.
Deal with problems as they arise and don't hold a grudge. Of course, it sometimes will be necessary to impose a swift and reasonable consequence (for example, loss of a privilege) when your daughter violates a household rule, but then move on and expect her to do better the next time.
Make time to have fun together. This may be the most important recommendation of all. In time your daughter will pass through adolescence, and the warm memories you create in the midst of these trying years will carry you through to a new adult relationship. Catch a movie together (daughter's choice!), take her and her friends out for Saturday brunch, have her show you the latest dance craze and play her favorite CDs for you. And don't plug your ears!
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
